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Old 11-12-2013, 09:01 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
Reputation: 22270

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
This is a time where people that are not self centered recognize that it's not about them...

You go, give support, see if there are needs and tell the family how much that person meant to you..

After my husband passed away I had friends that I considered close that never called or checked at all...
Extremely hurtful..
I am sorry that you felt hurt because you were not recognized by people you felt should have stepped up . . . but I do not think that is any reason to label others as self-centered or to demonize them as awful people.

Maybe they simply were not as close as you had imagined them to be.

Or maybe they felt awkward.

It isn't helpful to one's personal grieving process to nurse animosity over who did and didn't send flowers or show up with a casserole.
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Old 11-12-2013, 09:05 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
Reputation: 22270
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Everyone in my family is "gone" now. (Including my husband and "kids.") I've been through the "death experience" way too many times!...I didn't hear from everybody after each death.. I didn't hear from all of my parents' friends, or my sons' friends, or my husband's friends or co-workers, or distant relatives, etc...In the end, I decided to make it "okay." ("Okay" that I didn't hear from everyone.)...I realized that some people just don't know what to "say" or "do" when it comes to grief. And in my case, this "realization" helped me.
Exactly. It doesn't help deal with one's own terrible losses to focus on being disappointed with how others did or didn't react.

People are going to disappoint us throughout our lives. I am sure I have disappointed others at times when I had no idea I was even expected (by them) to "do something." One way to put off the grieving process is to divert our attention from coming to terms with our own loss by focusing on how we feel others should be reacting. You have been very wise to assume the best, let any disappointment "go" -- and focus on accepting that in the big picture -- these things are not what really matter.
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Old 11-13-2013, 12:29 AM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post

Or maybe they felt awkward.
My point exactly..

Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
This is a time where people that are not self centered recognize that it's not about them...
Times like these helps you realize who your real friends are ..
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Old 11-13-2013, 12:31 AM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post

It isn't helpful to one's personal grieving process to nurse animosity over who did and didn't send flowers or show up with a casserole.
It's not about flowers or casseroles, but someone who does not call or check at all when you are in crisis
is not a true friend..
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Old 11-13-2013, 07:56 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
It's not about flowers or casseroles, but someone who does not call or check at all when you are in crisis
is not a true friend..
This is what I was trying to get to . . . if they are not there for you, then they were never more than casual friends/acquaintances.

I know this is not the best comparison, as losing one's spouse is such a devastating experience . . . but I am reminded of "friends" I thought my hubby and I were so close to - we had spent many many hours together attending events, eating out, going to ballgames, in and out of each other's homes . . . yet the minute he lost his executive job (downsizing) . . . everyone disappeared. Then I realized - omg - we had met all of them through his work (attorneys, CPAs, other execs in the field) . . . and what they had been interested in were the good times, the freebie tickets, the organized events . . . and not really US. Even though that is not the same as when a spouse dies, the feeling of abandonment and the AH HA moment of realization that they never really were "true friends" is similar.

Yes, you find out who is really a friend and who isn't when tragedy strikes.
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Old 11-13-2013, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
6,274 posts, read 3,573,356 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Exactly. It doesn't help deal with one's own terrible losses to focus on being disappointed with how others did or didn't react.

People are going to disappoint us throughout our lives. I am sure I have disappointed others at times when I had no idea I was even expected (by them) to "do something." One way to put off the grieving process is to divert our attention from coming to terms with our own loss by focusing on how we feel others should be reacting. You have been very wise to assume the best, let any disappointment "go" -- and focus on accepting that in the big picture -- these things are not what really matter.

It was very unthoughtful of them. But, it's best for your mental health (at least for me) is too forgive and let go...who knows why they did what they did or didn't do, lots of times there are reasons or circumstances, beyond our knowledge, and it's best to not dwell on it too much. It doesn't mean that they didn't love or care about the deceased. (I have missed a couple of funerals that I would have given the world to be at, but things way beyond my grasp came into play, and it was impossible for me to get there...I still grieved and cried though).
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Old 11-13-2013, 12:24 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,841,965 times
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There are 2 sides afterwards...

1) For my mental health it's best to forgive, but that doesn't mean that I continue to trust those people
as friends...

2) let people know how devastating it is at a very hard time anyway, in order to help people understand that it does matter ....


ps..not being able to attend a service is not the issue...My dearest cousin was so upset that she was out of town and let me know in a million ways that next year that she was there for me...
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Atta girl, CA.
Thanks...I had a "wake-up call" early in life when my Grandpa died. (I was 6 at the time.)...As a kid, I expected all of the adults around me to "know" how to handle grief. (Relatives and family friends.)...But sadly, this wasn't always the case. Everyone didn't know what to "say" or "do."...Too bad we don't learn how to deal with grief in school. (Along with math and spelling and geography, etc.)
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:21 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Exactly. It doesn't help deal with one's own terrible losses to focus on being disappointed with how others did or didn't react.

People are going to disappoint us throughout our lives. I am sure I have disappointed others at times when I had no idea I was even expected (by them) to "do something." One way to put off the grieving process is to divert our attention from coming to terms with our own loss by focusing on how we feel others should be reacting. You have been very wise to assume the best, let any disappointment "go" -- and focus on accepting that in the big picture -- these things are not what really matter.
I agree...Good post!
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Old 11-15-2013, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
Reputation: 3514
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
This is what I was trying to get to . . . if they are not there for you, then they were never more than casual friends/acquaintances.

I know this is not the best comparison, as losing one's spouse is such a devastating experience . . . but I am reminded of "friends" I thought my hubby and I were so close to - we had spent many many hours together attending events, eating out, going to ballgames, in and out of each other's homes . . . yet the minute he lost his executive job (downsizing) . . . everyone disappeared. Then I realized - omg - we had met all of them through his work (attorneys, CPAs, other execs in the field) . . . and what they had been interested in were the good times, the freebie tickets, the organized events . . . and not really US. Even though that is not the same as when a spouse dies, the feeling of abandonment and the AH HA moment of realization that they never really were "true friends" is similar.

Yes, you find out who is really a friend and who isn't when tragedy strikes.
Sorry that some of your (supposed) friends "bailed-out."...I think my situation might trigger "guilt" in some of my friends (at times) since they still have families...I don't want anyone to feel "guilty." And I don't want pity...When friends call, I don't want to be a "downer." But they know my situation and I'm not like their other friends who still have families "left." And this puts me in a whole other "category!" (Even though I try to be "upbeat" and I'm interested in their lives, and their families, etc.)...Maybe I serve as an example of their "worst fears." (Losing their husband and kids and being totally "all alone" in the world. Or dying themselves or ?) I'm not sure.
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