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All the support has come from out of the area, long time friends.
I am on the fence about saying something to the one who was his "closest friend" but at the same time
I think it is beyond rude for this kind of behavior.
Maybe these men knew your father better than you did. Maybe he'd already discussed with them that he wanted no fuss made...expectations unmet often cause hurt, but only to those who have them...these people haven't "made it about themselves"...you have...how could you possibly know that they aren't effected by your dads death...are you with them all the time. Can you see whether they're grieving or not?...
What I find "beyond rude" are the expectations that some people have of others, Your Dad obviously enjoyed their company...why can't that be enough?
Maybe they don't consider a card or a random phone call as supportive. Maybe they were very supportive of him while he was alive.
I wouldn't say anything negative to these old folks..what for? what good would it serve?
My dad recently passed away and he had a group of old men that he associated with, I hesitate at this point to call them "friends", but he knew these men for more than 10 yrs since moving from NY to FL.
They got together pretty much every weekend for more than a decade. Since Clinton was office, so more like 13 or 14 yrs.
I also know them, I have associated with them. Not one of them(there are 4) have picked up the phone or sent a card, I am both hurt and stunned.
All the support has come from out of the area, long time friends.
It bothers me and I think it is beyond rude. When one of men's wives passed last year both my father and I were very supportive of the him and his adult daughter. Including going to the hospice before she passed.
They say younger people have no manners today, well I find that to be the opposite. When I had to tell a few servers in restaurants and some supermarket employees (all in their 20s) they broke down and cried. Yet not a peep out of the old folks.
And sorry I don't buy the excuse that they're afraid of their own mortality. When someone passes you support the family, I have had to deal with losing a friend to a terminal illness at 42 and also had to support people who lost a child(no greater loss), so I find it VERY SELFISH when people make it about themselves.
It's like the ones who say "I can't stand hospitals", so they don't go see someone who is dying, it is not about YOU and what YOU don't like, it is about being supportive.
I am on the fence about saying something to the one who was his "closest friend" but at the same time
I think it is beyond rude for this kind of behavior.
I'm sorry for your loss, Sean.
Here's what I think about this. These old men see your father's death as their loss, not yours. You are their friend "kid", no matter how old you may be, and it is they who have had a "loss", not you
I know it's crazy. But I'll bet you anything that is what's going on in their gray or bald heads.
They are the entitled ones here. And I agree, sometimes younger people can be way more sensitive and kind than a bunch of entitled old people.
Sorry that this happened to you. Personally, I think that it's beyond rude. Being elderly does not excuse anyone from manners. Sorry.
If I'm understanding the OP correctly, his father's close friends were never contacted. How can that be? In my mother's case, we had a list of family members, current friends and even old friends that we felt deserved a phone call. My 87 year old father is still alive and we, his children, know who to call at the time of his death. I'm 99% sure I wouldn't be sending condolences to my friend's family members if they didn't have the common courtesy to contact me at the time of her death.
If I'm understanding the OP correctly, his father's close friends were never contacted. How can that be? In my mother's case, we had a list of family members, current friends and even old friends that we felt deserved a phone call. My 87 year old father is still alive and we, his children, know who to call at the time of his death. I'm 99% sure I wouldn't be sending condolences to my friend's family members if they didn't have the common courtesy to contact me at the time of her death.
I think that who has the main responsibility for notifying people of the death may vary depending on the part of the country, family traditions and other variables.
Now when my parents died we children called only the very, very closest friends and family. After that it was almost like a telephone tree. Of course, the siblings called each other and we notified our own children. I called my Aunt Nancy and she said "I will make sure that all of the X family relatives are notified". My brother called Uncle John and he said "I will notify all of the Z family relatives". Thatbrother also called best friend George and he said "I will contact friends A, B, & C".
My other brother called Neighbor Johnson and he said "I will notify all of the neighbors".
If we thought that someone would be overlooked we either made the call ourselves or called the contact person "George, did you get a hold of Billy?"
That is the way it is usually handled in my old neighborhood and among my relatives. Every family member & every friend in my area do not expect a personal call from the child, parent or spouse of the person who died. My parents were almost the last of their siblings to pass away. If they would have been the first we probably would have called each of their siblings directly.
So we each made only a few calls instead of 50 plus calls. My dad had over 100 people at hisvisitation and/or funeral. It would have been extremely difficult to make all those calls from his one land line phone (in an age before cell phones). Trust me, if something happened to my child or spouse I would not be in any emotional/physical position to be making 50 plus personal phone calls to each family friend, neighbor and relative notifying them off the death. I certainly would hope that others would not ignore me or ignore the funeral because they did not hear personally from me. I believe that the OP is an only child. Was he expected to personally make 50 plus phone calls himself?
On the other hand, when one of my good college friends died without warning at a young age, in another state, I was shocked to learn about it many months later. In her case her address book, Christmas card list, etc were all on her computer which was password protected so her family had no way to notify most people. I wish that I had heard about her death right after it happened. So I can definitely see both ways of handling the situation.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-11-2013 at 06:50 PM..
Well, see, that's the thing . . . OP had an expectation that folks would reach out. And not everyone feels comfortable reaching out, but it should not be taken as a personal offense.
This is a time where people that are not self centered recognize that it's not about them...
You go, give support, see if there are needs and tell the family how much that person meant to you..
After my husband passed away I had friends that I considered close that never called or checked at all...
Extremely hurtful..
Everyone in my family is "gone" now. (Including my husband and "kids.") I've been through the "death experience" way too many times!...I didn't hear from everybody after each death.. I didn't hear from all of my parents' friends, or my sons' friends, or my husband's friends or co-workers, or distant relatives, etc...In the end, I decided to make it "okay." ("Okay" that I didn't hear from everyone.)...I realized that some people just don't know what to "say" or "do" when it comes to grief. And in my case, this "realization" helped me.
Everyone in my family is "gone" now. (Including my husband and "kids.") I've been through the "death experience" way too many times!...I didn't hear from everybody after each death.. I didn't hear from all of my parents' friends, or my sons' friends, or my husband's friends or co-workers, or distant relatives, etc...In the end, I decided to make it "okay." ("Okay" that I didn't hear from everyone.)...I realized that some people just don't know what to "say" or "do" when it comes to grief. And in my case, this "realization" helped me.
Atta girl, CA.
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