MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Independence: broker, motel)

[Versatile]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby i've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said:"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. " I think i'll go back up there an give him a piece of my mind."
"Thats a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Versatile]

Maxine on - Retirement as a Wal-Mart Greeter

Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive. So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'H#ll no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the h#ll would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work......... soooo maybe I'll go fishing.

[Versatile]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR 'EDUCATED MINDS'

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

25. Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat. One got pissed off.

[Versatile]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.
Well.... You'll love this one.

My name is Alice , and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

“Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1970. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, gray-haired, pot bellied, decrepit, old boob asked, “What did you teach?”

[Versatile]

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that

you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you

came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,

cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came

home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

>Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case

is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown

out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when

you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to

mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say

anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite

meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the

price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my

brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it

out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million

dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I

got home you were gone. Every- thing happens for a reason I guess. I

hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with

your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.

I hope that's not a problem.

Signed

Rich As Hell and Free!

[HMcD]

Courtesy of Cool Pictures | Cool Stuff
Here's a list of 25 funny country song titles:
1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.
2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling.
3. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even.
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Daddy's Head).
6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away.
9. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
14. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here.
15. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You.
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
19. Please Bypass My Heart.
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger.
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat.
22. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
24. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
25. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a few.

[HMcD]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time Employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
Moral: Don’t Mess with Old People!!

[Versatile]

Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher sa w that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?
' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny aske d, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

* * * * * * * * * * *

[Versatile]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .


"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,?" asked the
lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I'm
fine!?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into
the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge
semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in
the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

[Versatile]

YOUR YEARLY DEMENTIA TEST





It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.



Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the
muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.



Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.









1. What do you put in a toaster?























Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.












2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Autocar. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.









3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.









4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is ?flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany..) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or "no man's land"?











Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.







5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people
get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of
the bus driver?















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
__________________