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Wow, so you enabled your son his whole life to the point he can do nothing for himself? Let me guess, he also wears designer clothes, has a cell phone that you pay for, etc. Why on earth would you buy him an XBOX?
You and your husband should go to counseling (I agree) to learn to get a backbone and get your son out of the house...
I would say "son, you have 3 months to find a job and get out."
I'm sorry but being homeless is not the worst thing to happen to someone, it's called motivation.
My brother was a problem child, a HUGE problem. My mom always enabled him. When she had to go overseas and I was in charge, things changed for him. I wouldn't put up with his crap. He completely disregarded what I told him, and one day when we got into an argument about him skipping school he "ran away" from home. I told him if he ever packed his stuff and left he would NOT be allowed back. He went anyways, and when he came home all his stuff was packed and waiting for him. My parents are divorced so my dad came and picked him up. After a few months my dad also got fed up with him and gave him an ultimatum. He didn't believe it and then was kicked out by my dad. He was homeless for about a week or two.
Turned him around for good. He got a job, and now he's in his 3rd year of college and working as well. He's only 21 though, but if my mom had her way he'd still be on his butt doing drugs and playing video games. My mom admits this btw.
Set him up with a temp agency. And I agree, no more ordering food, buying clothes, cut off all cable and internet, and so on. You aren't exactly making him WANT for anything are you? Heck, I wouldn't even cook for him anymore.
And if he gets violent call the cops and kick him out and tell him get his stuff and don't come back. A few nights in a homeless shelter (if he's lucky to find one) will make him see how the real world works.
I keep reading these same exact threads over and over. Tho Im not sure Ive read one where the son is 38. The son hasnt got problems, the parents do. Surely he hasnt been sitting in this house, eating your food, dirtying your house, playing his x box for 20 years, has he? With you paying his bills all this time? Because if he has, my hats off to him. He's got the best racket Ive heard of.
I dont think you can evict him. Thats his home, he's not a renter. He's lived there for 38 years. The OP has a better shot of themselves leaving than him.
Last edited by carnivalday; 09-08-2013 at 01:24 PM..
No sympathy from me. I have Aspergers which makes social interaction very hard and yet I was out my parents' home before I turned 21 thanks to the Navy. I was working in my junior year of high school and continued working until the tubes came out my ears allowing me to enlist. After 8 years, was forced out due to shoulder injury. Briefly moved back in with my folks until I got work. Am now 14 years at the same job, married, and living in the same home for the past 11 years. You should have put your foot down 2 decades ago. If he's not willing to get counseling, start legal proceedings to evict him. If he's this much of a problem, you'll need courts and police involved. Don't let him take ANYTHING he did not buy or wasn't an explicit gift. As soon as he's out the door, change all the locks. You may have to change the home and cell phone numbers. Get help from family so all relatives know what's going on and can provide support for you. If he's on your cell plan, cancel his service. You should also change your internet access passwords and close his email account with your internet provider. A parent's job isn't to be their child's friend. A parent's job is to get their kid prepared to be a responsible adult and you failed.
This is a GREAT post. Wonderful advice.
OP: Start by cancelling his cell phone and change the password on your internet access so he can't log on. Do it TODAY. Does he have an "Xbox Live" account? Cancel it. I'd also cancel cable TV and consider locking up the television so he can't watch it. Make it so he's bored out of his MIND living with you.
Cancel any credit cards you've given him, take away his car usage and stop buying him treat food like potato chips or soda. Feed him basic cheap food like oatmeal and baloney sandwhiches. He should feel like he's living in a prisoner of war camp.
It's not like he'll die from not being spoiled.
Yes, you're probably going to have to go through a formal eviction process to get him out. He'll have to live in a homeless shelter for a while. Guess what? That's GOOD because it will teach him that being a bum means getting treated like a bum.
I don't think the son needs therapy alone, I think all three of them need family therapy as a group.
Mandln, I appreciate your distress, but you and your husband bear responsibility for this. You two not only raised a child with no ambition whatsoever, but you've allowed him to take advantage of you AND treat you rudely for 20 years! That's a negative GROUP dynamic, not one person's problem.
It's likely that your son will outlive his parents. Will you leave him enough money to keep him in X-boxes and fine dining for the rest of HIS life? If not, then he needs some tools to face life without your support. But he's not likely to get that if the three of you continue along the path you are on. You can't talk someone into taking responsibility for their life with magic words. Your son has some psychological issues that need to be worked on with a professional. And you and your husband also need to learn new ways of dealing with your son to reinforce any progress he makes in therapy.
Please, please ask your doctor or your minister for a referral to family therapy. Or if you have a psychiatric hospital in your area, call their information line and ask for a list of family therapists in your town. A family therapist can create and out-patient treatment program for your group. If your husband and/or son say they won't go, then you must go yourself and learn some tools for fixing a problem that has been going on for 20 years too long. There HAS TO BE a reason your son refuses to deal with the real world and lives as a recluse in your home. And another reason for why you've enabled him for so long. He won't change if you don't take the initiative to instigate a change in the way the three of you interact.
You certainly could kick him out as many people here suggest. But that's a "reaction." It's not likely to be a "solution." For him, or for you and your husband. He'll end up in a homeless shelter and you will likely become estranged from him. And I don't think you want that.
Amend that to a girlfriend who works and has her own apartment ... with these parents' luck he'll get a girlfriend with no job who will move in with the family!
No one's biological clock is ticking loudly enough to make getting involved with this loser seem like a good idea. Seriously, all he's going to attract is another loser parasite.
His parents need to throw him out to fend for himself. If he ends up homeless, oh well.
The validity of this post raises numerous suspicions from me. Nobody would put up with their son ordering them around and refusing to work for 20 years. And even the laziest and least motivated of kids will help out around the house and stuff.
I keep reading these same exact threads over and over. Tho Im not sure Ive read one where the son is 38. The son hasnt got problems, the parents do. Surely he hasnt been sitting in this house, eating your food, dirtying your house, playing his x box for 20 years, has he? With you paying his bills all this time? Because if he has, my hats off to him. He's got the best racket Ive heard of.
This is why the story is so unbelievable (first time poster). There is no mention of anything else that has gone on in that house for the past 20 years. No siblings? Straight As but no college? No diagnosed mental illness? No social life? No previous ultimatums? What was he doing 20 years ago before the Internet and Xbox were invented?
What is the dynamic between your son and husband? I can see a lot of mothers coddling a son, but I'd think fewer fathers would be so willing. Especially after 20 years.
Unfortunately, I think you're stuck with him. Consider it a penance for raising (or not raising?) the son you did.
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