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ONE more thing.There is a huge difference between going away on a vacation without your kids and having them in preschool or going out for an ocassional evening.
I think that this is a topic with no right or wrong answers. I think that people need to do what is best for their own households. There is nothing wrong with a SAHM putting their child in daycare, or preschool. I did it and don't feel bad about it at all. It was a great social time for my kids. They got a lot out of it. There are things that I just did not know how to do with them..I was not a huge artsy-craftsy person. My children are both better for the daycare/preschool experience. They have also benefited from the time that we spent together. sometimes it is just sitting and reading books to them and singing silly songs. or even watching the various videos etc. together.
And just because someone takes their kid to daycare doesn't mean they don't LOVE their child. In my neighborhood, there were some moms who were home all the time and still did nothing with their kids! unless you are a fly on the wall inside someone's home, you can't judge. just remember for all the judging you are doing, someone is commenting about you!!!
And my husband makes good money- I don't HAVE to work if I do not want to... but guess what?! I CHOOSE to. Why? Because as much as I love my son.. I would go ape **** being cooped up in the house with him 24/7. I need adult interaction- It has nothing to do with materialistic things like you would like to think is why people CHOOSE to work . Sue me.. I am HUMAN
I never said materialistic. I said SELFISH. And you are, embrace it, oh never mind, I see you already have. I just don't understand why you didn't realize this BEFORE you had kids. But I guess that would require looking past your own desire for a child and deciding what would be best for him, and selfishness doesn't allow for that.
What a strange thing to say. I don't know, the way I see it, it's much more important for children to have happy balanced parents than parents who play the martyr.
Perhaps your extreme viewes on parenting come from the fact that you are in a non-traditional role and feel a strong need to justify the 'work' you do. I am not being snarky, I am serious. Traditionaly, men gain their sense of self and fulfillment mainly from their career, so if your career is that of a SAHD, then your very strong feelings on taking this job so seriously, make a bit more sense.
I still think you'd have more fun if you lightened up a little bit. A group of us SAHMs are playing Rumikub today after we pick our kids up from preschool - see, we have fun and so do the kids, it's all good.
This is awful, don't you think? My kids always loved preschool (my three are the same spacing as yours!). It sounds like you might need to socialize him a bit more if he truly prefers staying home with dad to playing with other kids his age. You may say there is no need for preschool, but this right here is a glowing example of the need.
You are right, I do consider this my job, but my views would be the same if my wife was home. And I'm no martyr here, I just understood what the job entailed and decided to do it anyway. Part of it comes from my wife being more like a husband. Imagine a husband whining to his wife that he can't golf or change diapers or whatever...that's where its coming from. I'm very comfortable in my role even though I was kind of thrust into it. I knew what to expect of children and so put them off until I was ready. It just so happened she wanted them but was not even close to being ready. So I did what I had to do and I don't regret it because we realized I was better at the domestic stuff and she was better at going to work.
I went to a Moms group but found it to be too much about the moms and not enough about the kids. And, as I said before, I found the moms unwelcoming to a male (I also found this at Gymboree btw) and they were not watching their kids so I had to (the house was not childproofed and the kids were out of sight most of the time, so I followed my kid and kept an eye on theirs as well) and I also found they hadn't really read much about child rearing so there was little for me to find enjoyable or informative about the experience...
As for my son, I'm not sure what is up with him. He is in preschool for socialization but he tells me the teacher is too stern for his liking and he would rather play at home with his little brother (where he can run the show and monopolize the toys and play what and how he wants I presume).
I am not against preschool, I am against placing your kid at a young age in a daycare for selfish reasons i.e. "I need a break" "I want to work out" "I want to go shopping or lunch with my friends"...
Call me crazy but I think staying at home is so you can stay at home with your kids.
wow,glad I'm not married to you! There is a big difference in what someone considers "ME" time.I am not off getting my nails done,having a massage,going out to lunch! And 2.You know nothing of our family situation! SORRY! My husband spends much more time with our kids than most.He is often home for days at a time and loves spending time with them.HOWEVER, the primary relationship that needs nurturing is husband and wife.A MAN AND WOMAN NEED SOME ALONE TIME!I agree with KristyLiz.YOU are diffenately trying to justify the fact that you are staying home with the kids! And by the way,my 4 year old daughter loves preschool! Am my kids also love our babysitter that's coming over tonight for 2 hours so my beat friend[HUSBAND] and I can go have a quiet dinner.I went running with my 11 year old this morning,my husband and I fixed the 3 kids breakfast,we are spending the day with our 4 year old,go to our 8 year olds school conference after school,get through the boys homework,I will make yhem dinner,and then OUT THE DOOR for a whole 2 hours to chat and laugh and have adult fun! wow are we crazy or what! Then we will come home refreshed and happy and listen to the boys do their piano practice,talk and tuck them in bed.
It also sounds to me like you're very bitter about your Mother.There is a happy medium you know between shoving the kids off and spending NO time to being with them 24/7!
You would LOVE to be married to me. I would do three times the work your hubby does around the house and show you how to enjoy your children and make them an integral part of your lives, rather than another thing to attend to, like work and chores. And the fact that he spends more time with the kids than the typical father impresses me not at all. My wife spends time EVERY day with the kids. We have our time after the kids go to bed, no problem.
I just don't get people who have kids, then long for their old life. They resent their children and focus on the spouse relationship rather than the family one. Guess what? The divorce rate in this country is like 50%. Last time I checked, you can't divorce your kids. If I were you, I'd invest some more time on that relationship because some day it may be the only relationship you have left.
I am not bitter at all about my mother, she showed me how to love and nurture...she also taught me how to be a more present parent and not smother my kids by the mistakes she made and continues to make. No regrets, just lessons learned.
And as I've said before, I get working because you have to, preschool when the child is 4 or so. I don't get leaving the kid in daycare on your day off just because you paid for it or because you want the day off to yourself...give me a break already, isn't that what you're home for in the first place and isn't family time so limited in America that you would want to spend free time with your children?
If you wanted a day off, take the kids to a friend's or relative's. Or you should've stayed working and not had kids. Then you could take as many days off as you pleased and work on that "primary relationship" you keep going on about...too bad it excludes the best thing you will ever do in your life.
I never wanted kids. In fact, I was on the pill and we used a condom when I got pregnant. But I guess you would have rather I aborted him?? NO ONE can fathom what it will be like after you have a kid- whether you had always wanted one or not. Judge me all you want, but I could give a damn what you think. You come across as a self righteous know it all who can't even see that not everyone fits your cookie cutter, white picket fence family. Not every mother wants to sit at home with their kids all day- deal with it
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Originally Posted by orrmobl
I never said materialistic. I said SELFISH. And you are, embrace it, oh never mind, I see you already have. I just don't understand why you didn't realize this BEFORE you had kids. But I guess that would require looking past your own desire for a child and deciding what would be best for him, and selfishness doesn't allow for that.
I think that this is a topic with no right or wrong answers. I think that people need to do what is best for their own households. There is nothing wrong with a SAHM putting their child in daycare, or preschool. I did it and don't feel bad about it at all. It was a great social time for my kids. They got a lot out of it. There are things that I just did not know how to do with them..I was not a huge artsy-craftsy person. My children are both better for the daycare/preschool experience. They have also benefited from the time that we spent together. sometimes it is just sitting and reading books to them and singing silly songs. or even watching the various videos etc. together.
And just because someone takes their kid to daycare doesn't mean they don't LOVE their child. In my neighborhood, there were some moms who were home all the time and still did nothing with their kids! unless you are a fly on the wall inside someone's home, you can't judge. just remember for all the judging you are doing, someone is commenting about you!!!
I hear what you are saying but there are some right answers. A parent staying at home full time and putting a baby in daycare is wrong. Using daycare to get your chores done or run personal errands is wrong. If people want lots of free time, they should remain childless.
A four year old going to pre-K for developmental/social aspects I get. A 2 year old, not so much.
And while I agree there are Moms who don't do anything with the kids, I think whether or not its ok just depends on what your definition of nothing is. I was my first child's playmate, but he also learned to occupy himself because I remember always being bored as a child and read that the ability to occupy yourself is learned. Obviously I never learned it. Now he plays with my second son. I intervene and play with them sometimes, I read to them and sing to them and teach them things but they also know how to occupy themselves and it will serve them well in the long run...they rarely get bored and are creative in finding new things to do.
And I see "social" moms who cart their kids from activity to activity...guess what? These are for the moms to socialize; the kids are still parallel playing for God's sake! And the kids are exhausted and miserable bc the mom doesn't allow them to nap because it is cutting into her social schedule...Is that really better?
So I would much rather have a kid home with a mom who cares for their needs and loves and interacts but doesn't smother them than have them in a daycare situation where their needs will be ignored AND they won't be loved...or out on the go all the time with a social butterfly whose needs supercede those of their kids...
I never wanted kids. In fact, I was on the pill and we used a condom when I got pregnant. But I guess you would have rather I aborted him?? NO ONE can fathom what it will be like after you have a kid- whether you had always wanted one or not. Judge me all you want, but I could give a damn what you think. You come across as a self righteous know it all who can't even see that not everyone fits your cookie cutter, white picket fence family. Not every mother wants to sit at home with their kids all day- deal with it
I do appreciate your honesty. And yes maybe you should have. Because if I can tell from your posts that you resent your kids, I can only imagine how they feel.
And you're wrong, I fathomed it. So I put off having them as long as I could. Then my wife had a horrible delivery and debilitating postpartum. So I stepped up to the plate and did what I had to and guess what? I loved most of it and would do it again without hesitation. And we had 2 more after I swore the first would be all.
I suggest you seek some counseling to relieve your pent up aggression at having to live a life you didn't choose. I'm sure that's hard but I would recommend you get some help, roll up your shirtsleeves, and do right by your children. After all, they didn't ask to be born.
I went to a Moms group but found it to be too much about the moms and not enough about the kids. And, as I said before, I found the moms unwelcoming to a male
Both of these statements are true. Being home FT can be isolating, so playgroup is often times more about getting together with other adults - which there is nothing wrong with, especially since you are killing two birds with one stone, as the kids get a chance to interact with other kids.
As for the moms groups being unwelcoming to dads, sadly I have seen this too. I don't know the deal, but it is true.
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As for my son, I'm not sure what is up with him. He is in preschool for socialization but he tells me the teacher is too stern for his liking and he would rather play at home with his little brother (where he can run the show and monopolize the toys and play what and how he wants I presume).
LOL! Yea, it's certainly more fun to be 'Big fish in little pond', but I'm sure he'll catch on.
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I am not against preschool, I am against placing your kid at a young age in a daycare for selfish reasons i.e. "I need a break" "I want to work out" "I want to go shopping or lunch with my friends"...
God, I hate to even admit this to you, but for me personally (see, I said personally, everyone else should do what they feel best) I never put my kids in child care so I could have free time. I guess I just figured that since I was home with them, I should be just that - home with them.
For the past 7 years, I have not had any time without at least one kid with me at all times. Come this summer, for 4 hours a week, I will have NO KIDS! I enrolled them all in a Moms Morning Out program - that's totally for me! Yea, they will enjoy it since my kids like all that kind of stuff, but the money is being spent so I can have 4 hours all to myself! Judge if you will, but after 7 years, I have earned those 4 hours!
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