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What does everyone think of these reasons? Legit or bull? I'm still hurt but still don't want to put unfair pressure on him by threatening to move out. I've always thought it was horrible whenever I heard about a woman giving her boyfriend an ultimatum. How odd it is that I'm now finding myself in the same boat.
"Unfair pressure"? You've given him 7 years of your life! It's not "pressure" to decide you need to move on and find a great guy who is into marriage. That's just you looking after your needs, as well you should. (He's certainly looking after his, without a care to how it affects you, isn't he?)
Here's your choice:
1) Stay with him, frittering away more of your life without getting any closer to the goal you want, while not getting any younger.
2) Leave, to find a guy who doesn't make phony excuses about why he doesn't want to get married.
That's all you have as options. "Why" is irrelevant. Pick one.
I would agree with this, but ONLY after really discussing it with him, and exploring all options. The OP said in her opening post that he told her this, and they really did not discuss it. After 7 years, isn't it worth a little bit of effort?
If you dig deep, and there is no common ground for compromise, THEN you need to move on. (one can't know the differences are too great to overcome until they at least understand the basis for the feelings, and then look at and discuss options. At least that is my opinion.)
"I don't want to get married"/ "Okay, but I do," does not leave room for very many options. It's an incompatibility. There is no compromise when it comes to getting or not getting married. You can't each give a little bit and get sort of married, and it's not fair for either to agree to a situation they don't want.
I don't know that I necessarily buy the "I DO want to marry you...someday...just not now" argument. Given the length of the relationship already, I would wonder what needs to happen/what needs to change in the person's life to make them feel ready for marriage, if they haven't already come to the decision in seven years of a relationship. This person is old enough, and the relationship mature enough, that it's reasonable to be expected to sh*t or get off the pot. At this point, you either know or you don't, and all the dithering/excuses/deeply wounded from childhood slights stuff is more than likely just stalling/a smokescreen to avoid rocking the boat/creating personal inconvenience.
I'm not against you moving out at all if it's done to protect your emotional/mental well-being. But if it's done as a tactic to force his hand, then I don't know if the move would be worth it.
I agree. While I wholeheartedly endorse moving out if your needs aren't being met, I definitely don't think moving out as a strongarm tactic is a good idea AT ALL. If you move out, move on. Don't expect it to be a wakeup call. Do it for yourself.
And no one said the 7 years were wasted, because they had a good time, but it would be wasting time going forward now that she knows he doesn't want marriage.
Yep. It's definitely a waste of time to be working toward two different ends.
Things are going great - we rarely argue, we laugh a lot, we travel together and have fun. He's my best friend.
No kids (no plans on having any) lots of laughs and fun together, traveling, no arguments, sex.......and youre contemplating on leaving him over a piece of paper?
It doesn't get better than this! for the both of you. Im jealous
I cant keep a woman longer than a few years before she goes off boning some other smuck like me, lol
Wow. I could have written the OP a couple of months ago. I was in the same situation: live-in boyfriend didn't want to commit and I wanted to get married. Seven years is a long time, especially after living together. Move on. It's hard, but do it before you get stuck 13, 14, 15 years down the line with no ring on the finger and a wasted life.
Living together is a great idea before marriage for some people. Living together for years with no sign of marriage is a mistake. I learned the hard way and so have you. Now it's time to just do you for a little while, until you find that guy who will commit.
He's dragging his feet because he doesn't want to get married ever.
What would be his incentive to marry? He's already getting everything he wants. Marriage brings him no clear benefits, yet would impose heavy legal obligations. The only reason he won't say this is because you would probably leave if he did. But a man in this 30's who has been with a woman 7 years and says he "isn't ready" is a man who just doesn't want to marry, period.
I wouldn't say that. I would say, as gently as I can, that he just doesn't want to marry the OP. He's only 32. He has time to find someone else, marry, and have kids if he wants. If I've seen it once, I've seen it a dozen times, with people who say they are not ready or don't want marriage going on to marry the next person they date after a long relationship ends. Regardless, if he wanted to marry the OP, he'd have asked by now.
OP, as others have said, if you want marriage and a family, it might be time for you to move on. Believe me, I know it sucks, especially after being with someone for so long, never mind living with him for so long. But you have to do what is right for you and what you want out of life.
OP, your dude has issues. You may not have known it going in, but he has baggage he needs to deal with before he can become the kind of partner you want. You could suggest he get therapy, but that could take years before there are results. So your best bet is moving on. I'm curious to see how he'd react to the suggestion to get therapy for his issues, though. I don't think he'd see that coming. It's kind of like calling his bluff on those excuses.
Hi everyone, just wanted to vent and maybe get some insight.
I am 30 years old and am currently living with my 32 year old boyfriend of 7 years. We've lived together for 5 years. Things are going great - we rarely argue, we laugh a lot, we travel together and have fun. He's my best friend. When we moved in together, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. We talked about marriage then but both agreed it was not a priority and we should get settled into our careers first.
Now we are both doing well in our careers and I feel ready to take the next step. However, a few weeks ago I brought up marriage again and he said "I'm just not ready yet." I acted like it wasn't a big deal, but honestly, I'm really hurt. We've been together for so long and have done so much, why wouldn't he be ready?
It doesn't help that all of our friends are getting married, most of whom are younger than me and have been with their SOs for less time than I have. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and I'm not treating marriage like a competition. But I wonder why my friend's boyfriends are able to make the commitment and mine isn't. I feel like there's something wrong with me.
I definitely don't want to pressure him into marriage, so I've been laying off the subject. But (I hate to admit this) I feel a little depressed. It's odd, when I was younger I didn't see what the big deal was when it came to marriage, but now I have a great man I want to call my husband. Hopefully, I don't turn into a desperate old woman.
Anyway, does anyone maybe have a guess as to why my boyfriend is dragging his feet? Maybe you have a story of your own to share?
Maybe he feels that marriage is not necessary? Well, HE'S RIGHT. What will marriage prove if he's been with you seven years and you both love each other?? Sorry, but marriage is way overrated and is merely allowing yourself to be trapped.
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