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It makes me so mad that the parents of today who are rearing children count their parents (now seniors) of so little value that they can't stop their incredibly busy lives to speak to someone they supposedly love and care for once a week on the phone with the aim of showing their love and support.
I am a senior, incredibly in tune with the computer age, articulate, loving, independent, generous, intelligent and yet still a mother.
Our children and their spouses have experienced generosity from us that we never ever experienced from our parents who were survivors of WW2, we are not rich but we are generous. We like to help our kids.
It is common for the baby boomer generation to give their children tens of thousands to help their children get into the housing market.
Is that generosity reciprocated by loving phone calls and invitations to join in family gatherings? No sir, they just live their lives without a thought about making their parents part of it unless they want a babysitter, or something else that their parents can supply eg if father was an electrician they would get their house rewired free, and when it's finished seldom get in touch the father that gave so much unselfishly. We have selfish, thankless kids. How much they have gone away from the values they were taught by words and deeds by their parents.
In my day as a mark of respect to my mother in law I would phone her every week to ask after her and she was quite cold towards me until I provided a grandchild. She had not invited me to call her by her first name and I called her Mrs .... for years. I was the one who took her to doctor's appointments, who visited her in the nursing home, the one who took her in when she was ill; but would this occur now with a daughter in law if her mother in law treated her like that NO WAY.
We receive little respect from our sons and daughters in law, little love and no matter how we hard we try we can't win their hearts.
So, we live on independently with loving, caring friends around us, and even though we all want close bonds with our children and grandchildren our kids are unwilling to love us enough to include us in their lives. I think it is disgraceful.
Join the club.... But then, thinking way way back, I have to admit being just as "heartless" to my own parents as they are to me. I was involved in my own life and just never got around to interracting with them after I left the house.
Stubbornness! That be me. We've gone out of our way to be loving and supportive to our children in the going-on 15 years we've been married yet telephoned messages go unanswered and I've finally drawn the line. Several of the children we've helped over the years to the tune of thousands of dollars we've never mentioned or expected to see again and we can't even seem to get a returned telephone call. Worst of all, it leaves us out of touch with grandchildren regardless of the fact that we never forget them on significant days and holidays.
I guess it didn't help that we packed up and moved away from most of them once I retired but we landed in between all of them and have visited. My wife maintains fair contact with her daughters and grands but incoming calls are usually limited to their wanting or needing something. Those have diminished since we made it clear that the Bank of Mom and Dad was closed. We're retired and our household income is now more limited.
As for me and mine - the bulk of the children and grands - I'm pretty much done with taking the first steps. That's where the stubbornness comes in. I get the feeling some of my children resented our move but we found it necessary to leave a high cost state for a more reasonable one if we were to enjoy our retirements in comfort and financial security. Guess that wasn't an acceptable reason.
I'm retired here in Baja. Close by there is a large number of houses (Mostly by Americans) that are on private property next to the beach. They have a 5 yr land lease and own the houses they built. A while back a lady passed away leaving her house (1/2 to the local church/other 1/2 to a local charity. Her only daughter never visited her as a result was out $60,000.
I'm retired here in Baja. Close by there is a large number of houses (Mostly by Americans) that are on private property next to the beach. They have a 5 yr land lease and own the houses they built. A while back a lady passed away leaving her house (1/2 to the local church/other 1/2 to a local charity. Her only daughter never visited her as a result was out $60,000.
I have no idea what equity will be in our house when we go and neither do I really care. It's our home, not an investment. Whatever's left, if anything, when the last of us assumes room temperature will be equally divided among our seven children regardless of neglect. That shold assure no internecine brawls and besides, why would we care at that point?
I have two kids. One is consumed, as well he must be, with the endgame pursuit of his PhD, but when we contact him he calls right back. He rarely calls us just to talk but if we do, he will. The other one married this dude who we know not at all. Once the relationship with him started, the relationship with us ended. We put her through college at a $30K per year place(with only about 1/5 of it in loans to her), bought her two cars, and saved her bacon from jail when she failed to pay her Federal loan on the 1/5 part. She didn't invite us to her wedding, nor will she return calls or letters. While her mother is on facebook friends with her(and she did send her an xmas gift), if her mother ever posts anything on her wall, its removed immediately. If she never recovers from this(and she's been doing this to me for 19 years, only her mother since she got married), she will not get a smidgeon of the inheritance.
But I wish she would come to her senses and interract with us again. The inheritance loss for her is only the small part of the giant loss of interacting with her loving and caring parents. And, because of her attitudes, her brother simply got tired of it, and doesn't bother with her anymore. Loss of inheritance is only a minor part of what she is losing, but she simply fails to see it.
We really can't understand it, except that after she was the 2nd person diagnosed with lyme in PA, and they only gave her enough antibiotics back then for the symptoms to stop, she developed some variation of bi-polar disorder, and her mental interactions with us started to go downhill then. She won't admit or get tested for LYME. Apparently her husband loves her, so I guess she's got something, but think how much more she could have.
1 of the 1st thing an abuser does is isolate their victim from friends and family. Obviously I don't know if that's the case with your daughter but sounds like she was in a vulnerable spot when the relationship started. Does she talk to or see her brother at all? Or any old friend or other family member?
Don't really know if there's anything you can do anyway, until or unless she wants help.
We - my husband and I - have 2 young adult children but only 1 parent left out of the 4.
Dilemna - we wish he called us!! We always call, initiate contact, he's quick on the phone, my husband goes down twice a week at this point, cuts his grasss, takes him out to dinner, etc.
We did get him a computer, really never used it. Showed him a lot of times.
I know my husband will be so sad when he is gone; I'm really trying to have my husband involved as possible in his life and do stuff together.
Here's my perspective: When my parents were working, they worked really hard and were always busy. They both had jobs, and then the had the house and yard and garden and kids and pets and everything else to deal with. Grandparents were about a three to four hour drive away and we usually saw them about once a year and my dad would talk to them on the phone occasionally. My dad didn't let anything get in the way of work; he was there every day. You didn't call him at work. I don't remember him taking sick days ever. I don't know if he didn't have vacation or just didn't take vacation, but I don't remember him being off for vacation, either. I always admired him for being such a hard worker, though, and I know he did it for us, his family. I do remember anytime family invited him/us to visit, his answer was, "Oh, I can't get away...." But he/they were busy with their lives and happy.
Fast forward to the point that they are retired and not able to do the things that kept them occupied, and they suddenly become very needy, wanting to spend time with us (kids). Except now we are the ones with busy lives - work, house, yard, garden, kids, etc. But my dad seemed to forget what it was like when HE was in this place in his life. My dad thought nothing of calling me when he knew I was working; in fact, that's when almost all his calls were. I felt guilty for not dropping everything and talking to him, but on the other hand I know if his parents (or anyone) had called him when he was working, he'd have made it clear that they were not to do that. He is gone now and I still have his last call to me showing on my cell phone. Of course I wish he could call me now, even if I'm working, but that doesn't erase the frustration I felt when he wanted my attention when I was so busy.
I know they were retired and not as busy anymore and were lonely. I know I may be the same someday. I love my parents with all my heart, but I hope when I reach that age I won't make my kids feel guilty if they are busy with their own lives and not able to pay as much attention to me as I would like. And I hope I never hold an inheritance over their heads to make them feel obligated to spend time with me.
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On the other hand....
