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But how did he react hatefully? He didn't go off on her or call her names?
We actually have no way of knowing how he treated her and if I had to guess I'd bet he just didn't answer the text. But he was behaving hatefully on here and I'm guessing there are several here who do have GH and I'm not one of them but his attitude makes me cringe. I am in no way arguing that he should have had a relationship with her anyway--only that his way of speaking of this and about the girl is crude and insensitive. Now, will the girl ever know that he spoke of her in this way? Probably not, but I'm betting that he told his friends about this which is in very poor taste, and he needs to realize that if it's true that 1 of 7 have this, that there are many reading and/or participating and feeling shamed b/c of it and I wonder how many of them decided right then and there that it's not worth it to date at all or to tell a prospective partner about this and may just decide to go underground with it. It's not nice to shame people about something they have no control over and he forgets that she really didn't have to tell him at all but she was thinking of him and his health and she did the right thing.
I actually visited this thread b/c I have another condition that I have to divulge before going into a relationship and I usually do tell it right about the time this young woman chose to tell VH. It's not a shameful condition and won't hurt him but it will have a huge impact on whether he wants to move forward and a couple of men have indeed walked away. But none of them have claimed that I waited too long to tell them and they felt that my timetable was just right. For one thing, it has to be obvious that we are both thinking of moving into a relationship and that we will probably be having sex sometime soon. It's not like something you'll tell on a first date or even a second if you're still not sure. Third date and heavy petting? Yes, but is she going to suddenly stop the kissing and tell it then? Probably not. Thus the text. I don't know about doing this by text but I'm guessing she was upset and for chrissakes, she's been raped. Not a thing to improve one's emotional health.
But how did he react hatefully? He didn't go off on her or call her names?
Like I said he was not going to date her regardless so whether he said "I'm sorry to hear that. I can't date you" or ignored her it was not going to hurt less. There was no way to spare her feelings since either way she was being rejected because she had it. And he should not be compelled to date her out of pity because she was raped when she got it. I mean he can sympathize with her since she was a rape victim and it was not her fault, and had she disclosed that to him before they got physical and in person perhaps he would have felt more sympathy(I would have at least) but she's in her thirties and waited to tell him via text after they had already gotten physical. You don't text something like that. But if she did it to protect herself that is fine but she can't be upset then that his response was to ignore her because had he said something back that really indicated how he felt her feelings would have been hurt...
Now I don't treat anyone like lepers. I treat everyone with respect and kindness. But that doesn't mean I have to date someone with it. while I can understand her not being comfortable revealing it because the fact is not everyone will have the appropriate reactions, I can also understand van Halens feelings.
I mean this isn't the same thing but I'm a single mom. Every guy I've went on a date with ive told even before the date. Why? Because I would prefer not to waste either of our times. I know the stigma attached to single moms and that there are men that would never want to date me and they have that right. By disclosing it even prior to the first date it makes it easier on both people. Either your comfortable with me having a kid and you date me or you arent.
I don't think people need to wear signs that advertise they have it lol but perhaps letting the person know even before the first date, if they only feel comfortable texting, so as to avoid awkwardness. Or if they'd prefer to see how the first date goes, then fine. However prior to getting physical(kissing included) let the person know. Yes it seems like overkill but I know a lot of people that wouldn't even want to kiss someone with an std... So it just minimizes a lot of upset feelings.
And yes why thank you I consider myself classy lol.
As a former single mom, I have GOT to point out that some of the same judgmental comments regarding people's loose morals most assuredly apply to you. And me.
And if you were a single mom with HSV2, many of the posters in this thread would be sitting behind their computers, nodding sanctimoniously to themselves about how it's not surprising that you have it. I mean, you ARE a single mother and all.
I do think it was pretty unkind to her. A simple, you're a nice person, but I'm not comfortable dating someone who has herpes and I wish you'd told me before we got too touchy-feely would've sufficed. Along with an expression of sentiment around the manner in which she contracted it. Because, being more focused on your one in a billion chance of having contracted something from making out, like herpes, while some poor girl who really liked you is spilling her guts about being raped at 19 is really self-centered and lacking in empathy.
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Yes, so they did exactly what they were meant to do: scare you to death of sexual activity at a young age.
When I was in college, I had a traumatic post-sex experience. I broke out in a rash all over my body shortly after I had a oral sex with this girl I met one night. I started freaking out, thinking that I had contracted some type of STD. Of course, my only knowledge also came from middle school sex ed classes. Anyway, I went to the campus health clinic and had a mouth swab STD test. At the time, it took a few weeks to get the results back. I freaked myself over the course of a few days. I couldn't handle it, so I went back to have the blood test, which had a much quicker turn around. The nurse explained to me that the possibility of contracting an STD (particularly HIV) through oral sex was pretty low. Anyway, I got the test results back and sure enough I was STD-free. Come to find out, I was allergic to the new body lotion I started using.
That's right. It's the same as the Just Say No campaigns for drugs.
I've been exposed to "icky" HSV2 slides for work and I'm glad I had scientists and physicians working with me to offer facts, not scare tactics.
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That's right. It's the same as the Just Say No campaigns for drugs.
I've been exposed to "icky" HSV2 slides for work and I'm glad I had scientists and physicians working with me to offer facts, not scare tactics.
Parent to kid:
"Look, kid, do you see those train tracks over there? Yeah, you might want to be careful, STOP, and be sure to look both ways whether crossing them on foot or wheels. Capiche?!"
Parent to kid running merrily to cross train tracks (with train whistle blowing in background): "STOP! A TRAIN IS COMING! YOU COULD BE MAIMED FOR LIFE OR WORSE, KILLED!"
Sometimes scare tactics become/are necessary! That's especially true when it comes to those with empty or hard heads!
Last edited by picklejuice; 06-03-2015 at 10:52 AM..
If you had begun dating someone who said they had genital herpes from a prior relationship, would that be a deal breaker or not? and Why?
Of course that is a dealbreaker. Why? Because its an STD thats why. There are millions of people out there in the world who do not have any diseases, why not just choose one of them? I value my health and (knock on wood) I have lived my entire life disease free and want to continue doing so. Another thing is, I get called often by the Red Cross to donate my blood because I have type that is used for premature babies. Because I donate so often, for such needy people, no way will I risk not only my health, but their health as well.
STDs should be dealbreakers for any and everyone who are STD-less.
We actually have no way of knowing how he treated her and if I had to guess I'd bet he just didn't answer the text.
So since I did not address this directly, for the record, I just never contacted her again.
I was pissed, and angry and resentful, but I did not take it out on her. Lots of people made some assumptions that I did.
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But he was behaving hatefully on here and I'm guessing there are several here who do have GH and I'm not one of them but his attitude makes me cringe.
I was not behaving "hatefully", and if my attitude made you cringe, I think you need thicker skin... this is serious business
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Now, will the girl ever know that he spoke of her in this way? Probably not, but I'm betting that he told his friends about this which is in very poor taste, and he needs to realize that if it's true that 1 of 7 have this, that there are many reading and/or participating and feeling shamed b/c of it and I wonder how many of them decided right then and there that it's not worth it to date at all or to tell a prospective partner about this and may just decide to go underground with it.
So again, for the record, I DID tell my friends about the experience. And NO, I did not name her or identify her. No one knew her. I do not feel that I am somehow obligated to keep my experience a secret.
And as far as "going underground" with their disease, some states have laws which make it a crime to not disclose an STD to a sexual partner if you have knowledge of it. That wasnt the case for me, but just saying...
As a former single mom, I have GOT to point out that some of the same judgmental comments regarding people's loose morals most assuredly apply to you. And me.
And if you were a single mom with HSV2, many of the posters in this thread would be sitting behind their computers, nodding sanctimoniously to themselves about how it's not surprising that you have it. I mean, you ARE a single mother and all.
I do think it was pretty unkind to her. A simple, you're a nice person, but I'm not comfortable dating someone who has herpes and I wish you'd told me before we got too touchy-feely would've sufficed. Along with an expression of sentiment around the manner in which she contracted it. Because, being more focused on your one in a billion chance of having contracted something from making out, like herpes, while some poor girl who really liked you is spilling her guts about being raped at 19 is really self-centered and lacking in empathy.
And as a single mom I already know the stigma attached to it and accept that I will be judged as a result. I guess the thing is I don't really care lol. I divulge that I'm a single mom before the first date, and sometimes even in the first conversation I have with men that are interested in me. I'm not ashamed of it despite the stigma attached, then again Ive never been one to let others limit my beliefs about myself. If there are people making assumptions about me behind the computer screen then that's on them. It doesn't impact my life.
As it stands being honest up front works well for me. While I've never had a man decline to want to date me after ive said it, if a man didn't, I wouldn't be upset because it prevents us from wasting each others time.
And you think that in saying this it wouldn't hurt less? Perhaps I'm different then, I see gentle let downs still as let downs no matter how you cut it. I don't think he thought she was a nice person after he saw Her text and felt "tricked" because of the way she handled it so I'm assuming that telling her "your a nice person" probably wouldnt have happened based on how he felt. And I'm assuming because he was mad it was difficult for him to acknowledge the rape.
That being said I don't think he lacks empathy or sympathy but I think he was probably too mad and worried about his health to extend it the way he perhaps should have.
My son's dad lost his aunt two weeks ago and I felt bad for him but we had gotten into an argument around that time(which he started) and despite the fact that I knew he was grieving, I reacted by choosing to get off the phone because I was so mad at him. As a human caught in my emotions at the time and how he made me feel as we argued it became exceedingly difficult to avoid the anger I felt in spite of what I knew he was going through. Later on after I calmed down I was able to see outside of the argument and see that he lost an aunt he was very close to.
The problem is that as outsiders looking in its easy now that the situation has passed for us to say all the things that he could have said to make it better. But in that moment he reacted the best way he knew how to after feeling duped.
Again I emphasize with the girl that was raped but I also understand his reaction.
Yes, so they did exactly what they were meant to do: scare you to death of sexual activity at a young age.
When I was in college, I had a traumatic post-sex experience. I broke out in a rash all over my body shortly after I had a oral sex with this girl I met one night. I started freaking out, thinking that I had contracted some type of STD. Of course, my only knowledge also came from middle school sex ed classes. Anyway, I went to the campus health clinic and had a mouth swab STD test. At the time, it took a few weeks to get the results back. I freaked myself over the course of a few days. I couldn't handle it, so I went back to have the blood test, which had a much quicker turn around. The nurse explained to me that the possibility of contracting an STD (particularly HIV) through oral sex was pretty low. Anyway, I got the test results back and sure enough I was STD-free. Come to find out, I was allergic to the new body lotion I started using.
Nailed it. And what RedZin says. Classic fear-mongering. No different than the "childbirth is SOOOO awful and painful" to discourage girls from having sex.
We have a lot of ideas and customs in our culture that stem from fear-mongering, and it's a shame that it still prevails. But sex, this is such a taboo issue because our puritanical society is squicky about sex (unless said puritans are the ones doing the fornicating, then it's okay). Non-Jesus glorifying sex is bad and evil, thus anything that happens as a result of it is also bad. And since STIs and STDs have associations with promiscuity, a no-no for puritanical folks, it stands to reason that such connotations remain. That people with these "diseases" are dirty, loose, amoral, lepers. STDs were a "mark" of their apparent fornication and lascivious activities.
The vast majority of people I know with HSV-2 (or 1) rarely get outbreaks, and none get the type of outbreaks we saw during middle school sex-ed presentations. Let's remember that outbreaks, their severity, is also dependent on the individual's immune system. The immunocompromised may have more severe outbreaks, for reasons that should be known, and it is this demographic that is at risk for having/acquiring STDs, multiple. So an individual that is HIV positive could have HSV, either type, or more susceptible to contracting it. Disease presentation can be very different depending on the demographic (immunocompromised, malnourished, underprivileged, etc).
We actually have no way of knowing how he treated her and if I had to guess I'd bet he just didn't answer the text. But he was behaving hatefully on here and I'm guessing there are several here who do have GH and I'm not one of them but his attitude makes me cringe. I am in no way arguing that he should have had a relationship with her anyway--only that his way of speaking of this and about the girl is crude and insensitive. Now, will the girl ever know that he spoke of her in this way? Probably not, but I'm betting that he told his friends about this which is in very poor taste, and he needs to realize that if it's true that 1 of 7 have this, that there are many reading and/or participating and feeling shamed b/c of it and I wonder how many of them decided right then and there that it's not worth it to date at all or to tell a prospective partner about this and may just decide to go underground with it. It's not nice to shame people about something they have no control over and he forgets that she really didn't have to tell him at all but she was thinking of him and his health and she did the right thing.
I actually visited this thread b/c I have another condition that I have to divulge before going into a relationship and I usually do tell it right about the time this young woman chose to tell VH. It's not a shameful condition and won't hurt him but it will have a huge impact on whether he wants to move forward and a couple of men have indeed walked away. But none of them have claimed that I waited too long to tell them and they felt that my timetable was just right. For one thing, it has to be obvious that we are both thinking of moving into a relationship and that we will probably be having sex sometime soon. It's not like something you'll tell on a first date or even a second if you're still not sure. Third date and heavy petting? Yes, but is she going to suddenly stop the kissing and tell it then? Probably not. Thus the text. I don't know about doing this by text but I'm guessing she was upset and for chrissakes, she's been raped. Not a thing to improve one's emotional health.
He didn't shame her though-at least not to her face. He didn't respond, and perhaps that was rude, but even if he had said something nice letting her down based on herpes most likely would still hurt and still make her feel ashamed of the condition because she was rejected based on it. Well a lot of people would probably want to be told before they get physical, including heavy petting because it leads to sex. Everyone's time table will differ in when to tell but ideally to avoid hurt feelings it should be revealed up front. There's a lot of people that would be p**** off if someone waits too long to reveal something like that. The conversation will be uncomfortable no doubt but there are surely people that would react even worse than Van halen did if someone waited too long to tell them.
If I had it and often faced rejection and insults everytime I tried to date a man I probably would start looking for men with it already. There are websites and support groups etc for this. I know that it's unfair and hurtful to be rejected esp when it's of no fault of your own that you have it, I can't imagine it tbh.
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