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I don't usally agree with your posts but in this case I do. We make a commitment when we marry "to death do you part" Obviously things like adultery, abuse and drugs/alcohol are exceptions but it makes someone look very shallow and selfish to throw off a spouse for some normal weight gain. I think we should almost expect our spouses to gain weight as we get older, and of course good youthful looks are eventually going to be lost. Being so ridged that you cannot accept this reality is the problem of people like the OP, not his poor wife. I also agree that 100 pounds is "skeletal" and nor really healthy.
I would love my wife and stay with here no matter what she weighs, as that is what I promised to do. Now if there was a weight gain that was dangerous I would try to convince her to deal with it. If the OP were talking about 100-150 pounds overweight this would be the case as morbid obesity is a serious danger to life itself. What the OP is talking about however is actually being closer to a normal weight than the 2x4 thin 100 pounds she weighted when he met her. Where she is now may be considered slightly over weight at 150, but she would be considered normal for most Americans. I think he should deal with it, hard for me to feel any sympathy for him here. I wonder if he looks the same as he did the day he met her??
But this shouldn't mean that one can let themselves go in an unhealthy manner and expect the other person to pretend it didn't happen and feel attraction when they just do not.
Nowhere did I see anyone suggest that the ops husband should divorce her, most of us just said that it was not unreasonable that he is not as attracted to her with her weight gain, since he has always he preferred thin women, married her when she was thin, and now she is 50 pounds bigger... We also suggested she work on meeting him halfway.
He probably does still love her but the attraction that he once felt for her isn't the same and she knows why. You can love someone but be turned off by behaviors or qualities that you don't like. And you can love someone even if you really aren't attracted to them any longer. The thing is she wants to be desired by him and feels sexually abandoned. She cannot make him feel physically attracted to her new body when she no longer fits his preference, even with the love he feels for her. Had her husband met her at her current weight he would not have ever of approached her. She knows this. She knows what he likes. She knows she looks different.
There's a difference between gradual natural weight gain and unhealthy drastic weight gain. Being married does not mean that someone should pretend that visible problems do not bother him and that all is great. It also doesn't mean that we should not try to sustain attraction, keep ourselves together as best we can, and/or expect a spouse to be tight lipped when they notice extreme changes that negatively impact the marriage.
Furthermore we all have conditions that impact the way we love. Vows and commitment are important and should be taken seriously but one should also never take their partner for granted, underestimating how things that seem trivial can escalate into bigger problems. If the op chooses to stay where she's at ten years from now what will their marriage be like? Do they still have a sex life? Are they still happy? When he sees her how does he feel? Are they distant? Is he looking at other women? Is he desiring other women? Is he resentful that she refuses to lose weight? Is she resentful that he doesn't look at her the way he used to and treats her coldly?
If I were married I would not outright leave just due to excessive weight gain but I would lose attraction, lose desire, not be interested in sex, eventually feel resentful, and we would most likely be distant from each other. That is just me. I understand that others are completely okay with situations like the op. I've always maintained an active lifestyle and would be dissapointed if someone married me then thought it was okay to just get fat or stop putting effort into maintaining the attraction between us because hey death do us apart.
People who have that belief would do best to marry each other-this isn't what happened with the op. She married a man that obviously feels much differently than you or moonbeam. She needs to decide how she wants to proceed knowing this.
Last edited by Faith2187; 10-20-2015 at 01:17 PM..
Should and do are different things. A 5'6" woman can weigh as little as 118lbs or as much as 154lbs. There is tremendous float in the BMI system but some weights are better than others depending on body composition. A woman who does not do weight training and has the usual 26% bodyfat should probably want to stay towards the lower end of the range. A woman that is much more muscular can, and will, be closer to the top of the range. We are supposed to be "pretty skinny". Very skinny actually. Curves are a recent (relatively) invention and ever since they came along... ...
There is tremendous float in the BMI system but some weights are better than others depending on body composition.
BMI isn't terribly useful when applying it as a rubric for individuals. It is purposely oversimplistic so that it can be used for generic comparisons on large amounts of data. Granted, if your build, strength, and bone structure are all incredibly average then BMI might tell you something. Other than that, you really need to know body fat % to make a call on how thin or fat an individual really is. On top of that, people carry their weight differently, further complicating how satisfied they are with their bf% level.
I am 5'10, 145 and on some days 150. I don't wear any shapewear, though I am 40 years old and things naturally aren't as firm as they used to be. That is a perfect weight for my height and my frame. I'm half Brasilian - I have ample hips and butt and nothing will change that. The lowest size I ever wore was a 6.
OP needs to feel happy with herself, foremost. One of the best things my mother instilled me is a sense of self-confidence. My husband likes me for me and after 12+ years and children, we're still in lust and love.
That's great.
It has absolutely nothing to do with the OP's situation.
On a broader note, I have never known so many people could confuse love and attraction.
Her husband has said he loves her. He's not talking about leaving her or forsaking his wedding vows. He just doesn't feel like having sex with her when she is fat.
BMI isn't terribly useful when applying it as a rubric for individuals. It is purposely oversimplistic so that it can be used for generic comparisons on large amounts of data. Granted, if your build, strength, and bone structure are all incredibly average then BMI might tell you something. Other than that, you really need to know body fat % to make a call on how thin or fat an individual really is. On top of that, people carry their weight differently, further complicating how satisfied they are with their bf% level.
You haven't said anything different from what I said in my last post. So BMI is actually a pretty useful tool to make generalizations with. Which is what we are doing here. And Americans can continue to ignore the advice of the AMA and keep the country mired at the bottom of the developed world for every health metric that matters. Allied Health loves raking in the BILLIONS they charge for treating men, women and children for a whole raft of things that are preventable with only good diet and exercise.
Something that hasnt been brought up that the OP said was that in her first marriage, she had 2 kids and still kept her slim weight. So I seriously doubt she was drastically skinny. It was only since she married her second husband in her early 30s that she started packing on the pounds. Its obviously a choice she's made. I just hope she's chosen to stop adding more weight.
I don't usally agree with your posts but in this case I do. We make a commitment when we marry "to death do you part" Obviously things like adultery, abuse and drugs/alcohol are exceptions but it makes someone look very shallow and selfish to throw off a spouse for some normal weight gain. I think we should almost expect our spouses to gain weight as we get older, and of course good youthful looks are eventually going to be lost. Being so ridged that you cannot accept this reality is the problem of people like the OP, not his poor wife. I also agree that 100 pounds is "skeletal" and nor really healthy.
I would love my wife and stay with here no matter what she weighs, as that is what I promised to do. Now if there was a weight gain that was dangerous I would try to convince her to deal with it. If the OP were talking about 100-150 pounds overweight this would be the case as morbid obesity is a serious danger to life itself. What the OP is talking about however is actually being closer to a normal weight than the 2x4 thin 100 pounds she weighted when he met her. Where she is now may be considered slightly over weight at 150, but she would be considered normal for most Americans. I think he should deal with it, hard for me to feel any sympathy for him here. I wonder if he looks the same as he did the day he met her??
I love this post and agree 100%. Marriage is a serious commitment and it does seem very shallow to not love someone because they don't look the same. We ALL change. That's a fact of life. Neither my husband nor I look the same as we did when we were in our early 20s. We age. Life happens. If anything, we age in step with each other. But I can say unequivocally that he would desire me regardless, because to him I am the best lay he ever had and that didn't change. The attraction is much, much deeper than a dress size. And after 12 years, I should hope so. We'd bang each other's brains out if we were 300 lbs.
This is not carte blanche for women or men to truly let themselves go, but I find it distasteful that he would alienate affection towards his wife. They need to just separate then.
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