My father wants a paternity test after 30 years, my mother doesn't know what to do (narcissistic, dysfunctional)
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My mother used my father's laptop the other day and found his email open. She saw several emails with highly sexual content and many of them were answers to escort ads.
They had a huge argument and my father said he also had reasons to doubt her. He said he was always suspicious about me (I'm the younger son and the one he likes the least). Therefore he wants a paternity test done on me and my brothers as well.
He's 65 and she's 57. She keeps crying and doesn't know what to do. I know what she should do but she has never left him. In the past he has got two of his assistants and three of his patients pregnant but he always managed to convince them to have an abortion.
Women, any suggestion? I'm okay with the paternity test, there's no way I'm not his son. The nose, the eyes, the mouth are copies of his. I even have the same birth mark in the chest.
Tell your Mother to have the Paternity test, find a GOOD divorce attorney and get everything she deserves from him. Just because he wants to be s c h m u c k does not mean she should lose everything and allow him to make her feel like she is nothing.
Someone should probably do something about his lack of ethical behavior since he is getting "patients" pregnant as well as staff.
I'm... trying to understand this. If that's how he is, how did he become such a beloved grandfather? Does he interact much better with grandchildren or are your siblings elevating him?
There isn't really anything I can say about your mother... because if she doesn't want to change her situation, then there's really nothing anyone can do. You could do what you can to validate her and her position without dragging down your dad (or not bring him up at all).
It's not at all uncommon for people to be absolutely horrible parents then later on prove to be, or at least appear to be WONDERFUL grandparents.
Guilt? Sometimes. Bill Cosby, in his comedy bit where he talks about his mother (to his children) says:
"I tell my kids; This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven."
All comedy aside, my father was a much more affectionate and loving grandparent compared to the cold and harsh person he was as a father. My mother is a narcissist and absolutely ADORES her grandkids until the first time they "defy" her, at which point she insists that they have been brainwashed by me and that I have turned them against her.
Your mother is NOT "too old" to get a divorce from this idiot! If she doesn't get an attorney at this point, sorry, but she's an idiot herself.
This is definitely an emotionally abusive relationship, but face it - when a person stays in an abusive relationship, it's because they are getting SOMETHING out of it. Your mother has "sold out" for decades - in return for something, who knows what - financial security? Status? What were her reasons for staying?
I think you need to take a firm stand with your mother, or she will suck the emotions right out of you at this point. You need to be there for her, but ONLY if she determines to DO SOMETHING ABOUT PROTECTING HERSELF AND HER ASSETS. What you should NOT do is allow her to complain and moan and load you up with drama - while sitting there saying she's too old to take action.
I know I sound really tough on your mom, but she chose to raise her kids in the midst of a completely dysfunctional relationship. What did this teach you about marriage, relationships, tolerance levels, honesty, respect for women, etc? It is PAST TIME for her to take a stand, if not for herself, for her children, even if they are grown. If she remains in that situation without at least sitting down with an attorney to get her head around her options, I would simply not get embroiled in this a minute longer. I certainly wouldn't cooperate with any DNA testing without sitting down with an attorney YOURSELF.
What a mess. And your dad is HORRIBLE. Stay away from him. He sounds like a psychopath.
Both of these people need to face the ramifications of their actions with their kids.
In any jurisdiction I'm familiar with, half the income and assets acquired since they were married is legally hers. In some locales, half of anything he had before marriage also is. The assumption is that they are one unit, economically, and that any income he had was helped by her support at home.
I really think she should hire someone to look for hidden assets. At the very least, run a credit report on him, find out if there are any debts she does not know about. So many women get stuck with 50% of big bills they didn't know existed, run up while he was cheating.
The courts have a long standing history of finding in the woman's favor. She usually receives more than 50 percent of the assets and a monthly paycheck. Please don't make it sound like the courts are favoring the men when every piece of evidence on the subject has shown the exact opposite.
My mother used my father's laptop the other day and found his email open. She saw several emails with highly sexual content and many of them were answers to escort ads.
They had a huge argument and my father said he also had reasons to doubt her. He said he was always suspicious about me (I'm the younger son and the one he likes the least). Therefore he wants a paternity test done on me and my brothers as well.
He's 65 and she's 57. She keeps crying and doesn't know what to do. I know what she should do but she has never left him. In the past he has got two of his assistants and three of his patients pregnant but he always managed to convince them to have an abortion.
Women, any suggestion? I'm okay with the paternity test, there's no way I'm not his son. The nose, the eyes, the mouth are copies of his. I even have the same birth mark in the chest.
If you're 30 years old, paternity is more or less a moot point. You are of legal age now. You don't have to submit to a paternity test if you don't want to, unless you are listed as an heir in his estate. It sounds your mother is living with a train wreck of a husband. She should seek support to get away from him. Give her as much moral support as you can. Sounds like she needs you very much right now.
Demands like this have been known to tear families apart. But it sounds as if he doesn't care about that...only about being "right"
I find this situation very, very sad. I am glad you aren't taking this personal...it is quite the deversion tactic for your Dad to pull this after he was caught.
I feel badly that your mother never had the strength to leave such an abusive man.
What she should do is go talk to an attorey. She can get half of all assets, a decent spousal support package and not have to continue to deal with this...sorry ...Jerk!
It sounds like you are pretty level headed. I hope that you'll continue to support your mother and perhaps attempt to introduce her to the subject of emotional, & financial abuse. My heart hurts for your situation.
I left a very abusive man many, many years ago. My sons are and were all the better for it I know.
What you accept you teach. Dynamics of Emotional Abuse in Relationships, Marriage - HealthyPlace Co-dependency: Mental Health America How to Deal with Emotional Abuse: 9 Steps (with Pictures) Infidelity
JAN: you said exactly what I was thinking . . . Dad pulled this "paternity" allegation out in order to distract from HIS OWN BAD BEHAVIOR.
The fact that Mom has gotten upset over it shows Dad accomplished what he wanted . . . now the focus is on Mom and whether or not she has been unfaithful, rather than Dad's behavior.
I am sure he has been using tactics such as this throughout the entire marriage.
Okay, then! Now we're getting somewhere. You just sounded a little bit too calm to me, is all.
At this point, if you think your father is being ridiculous, then tell him he's being ridiculous. You don't have to do his bidding.
Then again, maybe you should go ahead with it just to shut him up and watch him make a fool of himself. If you don't, I can totally see someone like him saying, "You won't take the test because you know you're not my kid," or "Your mother told you not to do it, right? It's because she knows you're not my kid. She's putting you up to this."
But if you all consent to the test--and tell her why--you can all sit down and look at the results together and enjoy a nice, giant cup of "Told you so. Now SHUT UP about it once and for all."
My mother just called me. He pulled back just as I imagined. He told her he only said that in the moment but he knows we are his kids. Then went away, as usual.
That is not a good idea at all, IMO. Gives him grounds for divorce and looks poorly upon her.
He will never take the initiative to divorce her. He could have done it a long time ago if he wanted to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nema98
Your father is obviously scumbag, sorry but that is the truth. My heart goes out to you and your mother and siblings. If she was just now pregnant and he wanted a test I can understand. This guy has the nerves to do this after THIRTY YEARS!?!? He obviously wants to hurt your family, I read the title and I instantly sensed this man is a disgusting human being.
I say go for it, and make him look like the fool that he is, and your mother (I wish her the best) should leave him. I got the sense that you all are adults now, so she has nothing to lose. Plus tell him to his face what a scum he is, getting different women pregnant.
God why should some people be so disgusting to even insinuate that their child after decades is not theirs?
He does come out with terrible comments. But I'm sure he wished we weren't his children. Yes, we are all adults (in our 30s, I'm the youngest).
Any dad who slaps their child should never have to see their grandkids, ever! Too bad if your siblings allow, but you should not allow your kids or future kids to see their scum grand dad, tell him he should go to hell!
Well, I'm glad I just got a slap. My older brothers used to get huge beatings from him when he needed to release his rage. For now I don't think it would be a good idea to distance him from his grandsons. They would be very, very upset and it's not like he's a pedophile.
It's not at all uncommon for people to be absolutely horrible parents then later on prove to be, or at least appear to be WONDERFUL grandparents.
Guilt? Sometimes. Bill Cosby, in his comedy bit where he talks about his mother (to his children) says:
"I tell my kids; This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven."
All comedy aside, my father was a much more affectionate and loving grandparent compared to the cold and harsh person he was as a father. My mother is a narcissist and absolutely ADORES her grandkids until the first time they "defy" her, at which point she insists that they have been brainwashed by me and that I have turned them against her.
So yes, it happens.
No, I understand that that parents can end up better grandparents. Heck, my own mother is an example of that. But she's still the same towards me, so there's still a lot of tension of which my own elder grandchild is mindful of, after seeing my and my mother's interactions. Usually when there's such (grand)parent's superfluous drama, it does affects the entire family in a lot of ways. How does the (grand)father here get away with it?
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