My father wants a paternity test after 30 years, my mother doesn't know what to do (female, males)
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Well, I don't know, but truth be told he's really cool with them. Doesn't mind kisses and hugs at all.
You keep responding that he's wonderful with the grandkids despite the number of people suggesting limiting contact. It's beginning to raise some red flags.
First, I understand that you probably do not want to disrupt what you see as a great thing for your kids and nephews/nieces, but you're overlooking a few things.
1) As a couple of other posters have noted, once those grandkids stop being useful or acting in the way he likes, he could create absolute havoc in their lives.
2) He's using the grandkids against you. Not turning them against you, but using them. I think he knows that you'd be more reluctant to stop talking to him completely because of the kids, and having that link to you through the kids is a form of power to him and a way to control you.
3) He's building up his defense force. If all hell breaks loose, those kids could turn against you -- everything from pestering you about him to becoming outright malicious in the name of "protecting" their poor old grandfather who everyone is turning against.... I think there is subtle manipulation going on there. I don't think it's porn or anything like what one poster said -- you hadn't even alluded to anything like that. I do think, though, that he's trying to build himself up in the grandkids' eyes as the most important person in their lives, which could wreak havoc on your attempts to fight back if he should act out again.
4) I can't remember if you said how old the nephew who cried about not seeing him for a month was, but unless that kid is under five years old or something, then the crying is weirdly obsessive. I understand very little kids not getting why they can't see someone, but there's a point where a kid should be able to handle not seeing Grandpa for a month.
I don't know you, and all I know of this situation is what you've posted here. However, and I mean this with the greatest respect, your repeated responses that he's really great with the grandkids seem more like an unconscious shield blocking you from cutting him off. That is the impression I'm getting.
Depending on what type of doctor he is, it may be absolutely, 100% totally illegal for him to have an affair with a patient even if the patient is an "adult". For example, a psychiatrist who had sex with a patient would lose his license so fast that it would be a blur (because the law considers that any patient would have been coerced or manipulated into having sex).
Now, a foot doctor or oral surgeon I really don't know what would happen. There probably would be rules that the woman had stopped being his patient for a certain number of months or years before the AMA would find that behavior "acceptable".
There was a thread a month or so ago about whether or not an adult child would allow their children to see the grandfather if he was openly having an affair with a mistress. Some poster saw nothing wrong with it but other posters would forbid the grandfather from having any contact whatsoever with his grandchildren.
Multiple affairs and responding to ads for escorts could be a sex addiction problem. Sex Addiction manifests itself in many forms - serial affairs is one form, and more common that people realize. Your mom should look into finding an S-Anon group and attend a meeting or two and see if that would be a good fit for her. S-Anon is similar to Alanon and is an amazing support/healing network for someone who is in a relationship with a Sex Addict, even if the Sex Addict isn't getting help. I would be happy to PM if you need more information about it.
Also to add Sex Addicts who are not in recovery and acting out can present very NPD, twist facts, and act pretty cruel and have great difficulty with true emotional intimacy. Their cheating isn't to find another partner to replace their current (that's why he has no interest in divorce) for the SA compulsive sexual behavior is like a drug - similar to compulsive gambling.
I wish you family well.
Last edited by beachrunnerjm; 07-16-2013 at 12:27 PM..
Your mother should at least sleep in a different room. Maybe she can start dating other people. I mean - if he's answering escort ads - she should be allowed to date as well.
Not to mention if he's sharing himself with 'escourts' no telling what diseases he'd exposed himself to, and the mother has every right to refuse to allow him to risk passing something on. And she is the one wronged if he had chosen this route.
My grandfather walked on my grandmother and mom and aunt in the 1930's and he was the one ostracised from HIS family. Not a cent of support either for my mom and grandma and aunt and he had it. I have little use for men who cheat on their families.
Not to mention if he's sharing himself with 'escourts' no telling what diseases he'd exposed himself to, and the mother has every right to refuse to allow him to risk passing something on. And she is the one wronged if he had chosen this route.
My grandfather walked on my grandmother and mom and aunt in the 1930's and he was the one ostracised from HIS family. Not a cent of support either for my mom and grandma and aunt and he had it. I have little use for men who cheat on their families.
No my business of course but I would say the last time they slept together was 9 months before I was born. So the disease thing as never been a problem.
Well, I'm glad I just got a slap. My older brothers used to get huge beatings from him when he needed to release his rage. For now I don't think it would be a good idea to distance him from his grandsons. They would be very, very upset and it's not like he's a pedophile.
Maybe it would be good to do a little research into the minds of people such as your father. Malignant Narcissists They are not above hurting children in order to hurt an adult they have targeted. He basically called your mother a ***** right in front of her children by demanding a paternity test. He doesn't care that it hurt her....or you...or your siblings. I'm just saying.
You say he's a womanizer. How would you feel if, thanks to the P***s-poor example set by their grandfather, your sons get dragged to a prostitute by your father at age 12 or so, because he thinks they need to be "initiated" into adulthood? You have to be constantly mindful of the sort of person you are allowing your children to be in contact with.
4) I can't remember if you said how old the nephew who cried about not seeing him for a month was, but unless that kid is under five years old or something, then the crying is weirdly obsessive. I understand very little kids not getting why they can't see someone, but there's a point where a kid should be able to handle not seeing Grandpa for a month.
I don't know you, and all I know of this situation is what you've posted here. However, and I mean this with the greatest respect, your repeated responses that he's really great with the grandkids seem more like an unconscious shield blocking you from cutting him off. That is the impression I'm getting.
Good luck.
I'm not condoning him in every way but I've to say something when people here are suggesting he's a potential pedophile. He never touched me or my brothers with a finger besides beatings.
My nephews are 4, 3 and 1 year old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by laorbust61
You say he's a womanizer. How would you feel if, thanks to the P***s-poor example set by their grandfather, your sons get dragged to a prostitute by your father at age 12 or so, because he thinks they need to be "initiated" into adulthood? You have to be constantly mindful of the sort of person you are allowing your children to be in contact with.
I don't have children, my brothers do. I highly doubt he would ever do such a thing. He's scared of my brothers and I. He knows we are not little boys anymore and can face him at the same level.
Besides, he never did such a thing when we were kids ourselves.
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Of course he doesn't
