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Mistake a lot of men make is the blind/cold approach with women they do not know anything about, simply because they are attracted to her. Many find out the hard way that the woman is not right for them (or perhaps her situation is not, but she is) and then there is this frustration because they put a lot of energy into discovering what would have been the obvious had they simply allowed things to unfold they way that they normally would.
THere's something to this^^^. A while back, when pressed, one of this board's chronically rejected admitted that his "approach" was to walk up cold to a woman and ask if he could get to know her. Most of the people in the thread reacted as such: Yeah, it's a bummer to get turned down, but some approaches are just not going to be successful and the guy's not doing himself any favors.
I've approached hundreds of women over decades in every kind of setting you can imagine. It's not about approach. It's about what you bring to the table.
It's not like, "Oh he's a nice guy, confident, funny, and he's interested in me. I'm so excited!" It doesn't work like that.
No, but then I don't think that is what women are thinking either. We all are taking in the situation moment by moment, we're evaluating who we're talking to in one way or another. And it isn't about looks all the way, it has a lot to do with connection. Eye contact, body language, impressions of character. Men and women are doing this whenever we make a new contact.
It takes so much more than that. You need to give people what they want and fit their mold.
I disagree, it seems like you can and should only be yourself and genuinely so, and trying to fit someones' ideas when you aren't a mind reader, is not going to help you connect with the right person.
Even beyond that, there was an instance where I was talking to a woman that was from the same area as me, went to similar colleges, same ethnicity and background, and I really thought we were clicking. She rejected me and it wasn't really even close. For others I meet at a meetup, I might not even get 2 minutes of conversation and they are looking for somebody else to talk to.
I don't know what you meant by rejecting you? Did you ask her out and she said no? Or did you ask for her number and she said no? What do you mean by rejecting you here?
Maybe YOU are like what you say. I'll admit I'm like that. If a woman had a crush on me, or had a genuine interest, yea, I'd be flattered. I'd consider her candidacy as strongly as I could. But I have struggled in the dating game. I can guarantee you the majority of people are not so easily impressed or won.
No, I don't think I've got a seperate persona here or anywhere else, I am just a person trying to learn things and sadly come to C-D for some of my socializing...but, how would you know if a woman had a crush on you? What would be your go-ahead signals when you are trying to get to know them better?
Okay, I'm not you, I don't know you IRL. I can assume that you are here because you're wanting some change up to what you do that will work for you?
Everything I have read from the women who come here, me included, says that they would rather be treated special. They would rather know that someone is genuinely interested. When guys come off like they're not genuine, its apparent.
But, there are plenty of ways to also not make the best impression. No man or woman is going to be the 'same' as the next. Maybe if you explained something that seems to be the 'way' you do it? Are you asking them on a date? Are you asking them if they want to hang out? Are you asking them if they want to be your girlfriend?
Mistake a lot of men make is the blind/cold approach with women they do not know anything about, simply because they are attracted to her. Many find out the hard way that the woman is not right for them (or perhaps her situation is not, but she is) and then there is this frustration because they put a lot of energy into discovering what would have been the obvious had they simply allowed things to unfold they way that they normally would.
So true. The woman in weekend shorts and t-shirt that the coffee barrista is approaching might be a stockbroker or college professor. Or she might be much older than she looks. Or planning a move out of state, and not looking for a relationship locally. You never know about strangers, which is the prime reason why it's a useless waste of energy to get upset about being "rejected". If the guys knew anything about some of the women they approach, they probably wouldn't be interested, themselves. Like the guy among our posters who approached and got a date with a pretty woman who turned out to have kids at home. Kids were his deal-breaker.
Cold approaches/chats work better if you're in a venue where you know you have something in common. Like in the lobby of a movie theater, where you're both going to the same movie. Or at a concert or art show. Or a class, or shared activity of some sort.
Still, some people get really lucky with outright random cold approaches. But for shy guys who have to push themselves and who might have fragile self-esteem, it's not the best option.
No, I don't think I've got a seperate persona here or anywhere else, I am just a person trying to learn things and sadly come to C-D for some of my socializing...but, how would you know if a woman had a crush on you? What would be your go-ahead signals when you are trying to get to know them better?
Okay, I'm not you, I don't know you IRL. I can assume that you are here because you're wanting some change up to what you do that will work for you?
Everything I have read from the women who come here, me included, says that they would rather be treated special. They would rather know that someone is genuinely interested. When guys come off like they're not genuine, its apparent.
But, there are plenty of ways to also not make the best impression. No man or woman is going to be the 'same' as the next. Maybe if you explained something that seems to be the 'way' you do it? Are you asking them on a date? Are you asking them if they want to hang out? Are you asking them if they want to be your girlfriend?
I'm not really looking for advice. Truth is, once you've got yourself together and are a competent social person and have a job making 'some' money, you just play the numbers and different guys have different odds based on what they bring to the table.
If you're not a woman's cup of tea, then it doesn't matter how sincere your interest is. That is not Earth shattering news.
And not to go off on a tangent that has been discussed a thousand times before, but many women pick hot or spicy guys who just want to get in their pants for a while or are so-so interested in them over guys who really care for them and would treat them gold. Happens hundreds of times every day. Again, not Earth shattering news, and I have less and less of a problem with it each passing day of my life.
You're looking at it wrong. And you haven't told us how you felt about each of them, and how well things were (or weren't) clicking.
It's not bad luck. Experts say you have to go through about 100 people before you find someone you feel a good connection with. You've barely begun. 95 left to go! Better get cracking!
Actually you've done well. You had multiple dates with each. That's a LOT farther than some of the other guys here get.
95 people? That's crazy. That is simply too much work for such little reward, it's not even worth it. The cost alone taking 100 women out on dates would tally $12,000.00, and that's on the conservative side.
I don't buy what the "experts" say, and I wouldn't be surprised if the "experts" had some kind of stake in the restaurant industry.
In the 1950's, people did not go through 100 different people to find "the one". Back in the old days, people found their mates within those 4 critical years during high school, and that was it. No serial dating for the baby boomer generation, or any generation before them.
The real problem as to why young people today have a hard time making connections with each other is because:
1. Young people today (fueled by drugs and alcohol) are having lots of causal sex with different people which over time erodes their ability to connect emotionally with one person when the opportunity presents itself. And from what I have seen, lots of causal sex often comes back to bite women more so men later down the line because women are just not built emotionally to be taken by lots of random men.
2. Young people today put money, education and their careers before anything else.
3. People today are overworked so they lack the adequate time to build up a rapport and build an actual connection with a person. How can a person working 50+ hours a week, or working 2 jobs and going to school be able to form a healthy bond with another person? It's just not possible unless you work with the person which is why nowadays people find lovers at their place of employment.
EDIT:
New York City is a prime example of all of the above. NYC is single central! Everybody is SINGLE in NYC because of all 3 of my points listed.
"Last five girls that have rejected me have said they felt no connection with me"
Lack of connection is not rejection....
Lack of connection is rejection. A "lack of connection" is a euphemism.
Let's do the reverse, Pitt Chick.
Say, you were attending an upscale dinner party, and you saw the man of your dreams so you decided to introduce yourself.
Ok, well, after a few dates, your dream guy told you he just wanted to be friends because he felt a "lack of connection". How would you feel, Pit Chick? You know how you would feel, you would feel poorly about yourself for a while because you knew that he rejected your romantic proposition.
what ever you think, but it always works for me. and as proof, look at the way the women of this forum respond to what i say. i am not saying they will jump into bed with me anytime i want, but they will respond favorably to me because i do the things i do that tell them that i LISTEN to them, to what they like, and what they want out of life rather than just let them prattle on and on and ignore everything they say. try it sometime you might find that it works for you too.
What I have found is that what women say in public is completely different from what they do in private.
In public, women say they want nice guys who play no games, they want guys to give them flowers on a first date, and to take long walks on the beach, and they want guys to court them, ect, but in private, and who women actually decide to have sex with, it's a different story.
In private, through my male friends who are good with women, they don't do anything nice or anything romantic for women. They treat women like she's one of the guys really. The guys I know simply do the absolute minimum along with giving the girl the drink and drug of her choice to loosen her up.
Not saying that women don't like nice guys. But all the romance stuff you're taking about is for women 40 and over. It just doesn't work on the vast majority of younger women.
I've approached hundreds of women over decades in every kind of setting you can imagine. It's not about approach. It's about what you bring to the table.
It's not like, "Oh he's a nice guy, confident, funny, and he's interested in me. I'm so excited!" It doesn't work like that. It takes so much more than that. You need to give people what they want and fit their mold. Even beyond that, there was an instance where I was talking to a woman that was from the same area as me, went to similar colleges, same ethnicity and background, and I really thought we were clicking. She rejected me and it wasn't really even close. For others I meet at a meetup, I might not even get 2 minutes of conversation and they are looking for somebody else to talk to.
Maybe YOU are like what you say. I'll admit I'm like that. If a woman had a crush on me, or had a genuine interest, yea, I'd be flattered. I'd consider her candidacy as strongly as I could. But I have struggled in the dating game. I can guarantee you the majority of people are not so easily impressed or won.
+1 Good post.
As far as what is in bold. It's 100% true.
Here's why:
Here in States, average guys today have to compete with men who are rich and are seen on TV and news outlets everyday. For example, from talking to plenty of guys, being a Firefighter, a Police Officer, or a white collar worker making a good salary, it simply does not impress an American woman anymore because they see professional athletes, rappers, entertainment celebrities, or big business tycoons as the highest prize. Women today are looking for thier own personal Kanye West or George Clooney.
God forbid if you're a blue collar worker, even if you're in a high tax bracket, you're looked at like nothing to many girls who expect to be the wife someday of a rich doctor. So as a result, some guys I know (i.e.,cops, fireman) threw in the towel and they now travel to Brazil, or other places in the world because they find that women from other countries appreciate them in ways that women from their own countries don't. I have traveled overseas myself, and just telling a foreign woman that you're American is impressive all by itself.
On the other hand, American women feel the pressure of trying to live up to the impossible beauty standards set by Hollywood and the fashion industry. Men cut women FAR more slack then women give men, but nonetheless, women feel the pressure of trying to live up to looking like Kim kardashian just to get guys to look their way. Some women have given up on dating simply because they know they can't impress the guys by looking like the latest video vixen.
Last edited by calicali01; 08-03-2014 at 06:11 PM..
Here in States, average guys today have to compete with men who are rich and are seen on TV and news outlets everyday. For example, from talking to plenty of guys, being a Firefighter, a Police Officer, or a white collar worker making a good salary, it simply does not impress an American woman anymore because they see professional athletes, rappers, entertainment celebrities, or big business tycoons as the highest prize. Women today are looking for thier own personal Kanye West or George Clooney.
Women in your world apparently are looking for that. To generalize would be a big mistake.
Quote:
Originally Posted by calicali01;
God forbid if you're a blue collar worker, even if you're in a high tax bracket, you're looked at like nothing to many girls who expect to be the wife someday of a rich doctor. So as a result, some guys I know (i.e.,cops, fireman) threw in the towel and they now travel to Brazil, or other places in the world because they find that women from other countries appreciate them in ways that women from their own countries don't. I have traveled overseas myself, and just telling a foreign woman that you're American is impressive all by itself.
And yet, there are women on this very forum who are dating, or have dated cops. I know women who have married cops. And several white-collar women with good salaries, some with MA's, who are married to handymen and construction workers. Maybe you, or your friends, are looking for love in all the wrong places.
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Yeah, it's a bummer to get turned down, but some approaches are just not going to be successful and the guy's not doing himself any favors.
