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My only advice is that people who wish to divorce at this state in life should prepare for it with years of advance. Otherwise it can get very messy.
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Originally Posted by darstar
The way I see it, if you plan for the divorce years in advance , maybe you should not have got married in the first place.
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Originally Posted by Phosphorus
I meant just a few years, not decades.
For some people, planning for a divorce, even a few months in advance, is impossible because the spouse just takes off like a bolt out of the blue and it hits like a ton of bricks. The spouse who takes off may have been thinking about it, but if that thinking was not shared, it can be life's greatest shock and surprise.
For some people, planning for a divorce, even a few months in advance, is impossible because the spouse just takes off like a bolt out of the blue and it hits like a ton of bricks. The spouse who takes off may have been thinking about it, but if that thinking was not shared, it can be life's greatest shock and surprise.
I've never been divorced, of course. However, I've observed a lot of people in the throes of a divorce over the years.
Very often, when there is a divorce, one spouse can be in a state of shock. They generally knew there was conflict in their marriage, but had not anticipated their ex would "call it quits". What was going on is that you have to imagine a sort of spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, are people who are happily married. The other end of the spectrum represents divorce and separation. The problem is that two married people can be at very different places on this spectrum.
I have a good friend in the medical field who was at his office one day. In the door, one morning, comes a process server who (to my friend's utter amazement) proceeds to serve with him with a divorce complaint filed by his wife. My friend had had breakfast with his wife that morning and not suspected anything was wrong. Of course, his wife had said nothing that morning to him at all.
Perhaps, my friend ignored obvious clues. Perhaps, he truly was ignorant and insensitive in the way that some women accuse some men of being. However, he had no idea she was this unhappy. He had no idea things had gone this far and she had paid a lawyer to file this case.
There was some gratuitous cruelty in her actions as well. She could have told him what her intentions were and simply asked him to sign a form indicating he had received a copy of the Complaint. There was no need to humiliate him by sending a process server to his office in this situation.
At age 57, he is dealing with the "fallout" from this divorce. This included an awful fight over the property they owned. I have seen my friend's correspondence with her lawyer and her. He has remained quite civil, despite the way she has acted. On the other hand, I've seen correspondence from her where she uses four letter words to describe him and his actions.
I think today he wonders how she could have concealed all this behavior for over 30 years that they were married. Sometimes people are not whom we think they are.
I've never been divorced, of course. However, I've observed a lot of people in the throes of a divorce over the years.
Very often, when there is a divorce, one spouse can be in a state of shock. They generally knew there was conflict in their marriage, but had not anticipated their ex would "call it quits". What was going on is that you have to imagine a sort of spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, are people who are happily married. The other end of the spectrum represents divorce and separation. The problem is that two married people can be at very different places on this spectrum.
I have a good friend in the medical field who was at his office one day. In the door, one morning, comes a process server who (to my friend's utter amazement) proceeds to serve with him with a divorce complaint filed by his wife. My friend had had breakfast with his wife that morning and not suspected anything was wrong. Of course, his wife had said nothing that morning to him at all.
Perhaps, my friend ignored obvious clues. Perhaps, he truly was ignorant and insensitive in the way that some women accuse some men of being. However, he had no idea she was this unhappy. He had no idea things had gone this far and she had paid a lawyer to file this case.
There was some gratuitous cruelty in her actions as well. She could have told him what her intentions were and simply asked him to sign a form indicating he had received a copy of the Complaint. There was no need to humiliate him by sending a process server to his office in this situation.
At age 57, he is dealing with the "fallout" from this divorce. This included an awful fight over the property they owned. I have seen my friend's correspondence with her lawyer and her. He has remained quite civil, despite the way she has acted. On the other hand, I've seen correspondence from her where she uses four letter words to describe him and his actions.
I think today he wonders how she could have concealed all this behavior for over 30 years that they were married. Sometimes people are not whom we think they are.
Yes , and more people are not consciously aware of how they really feel down deep. How else could a couple get married, have a bunch of kids....then one day out of the blue get divorced ? The way I see it few out there really are premeditated on the surface..... .Pre- medicated maybe a better word.
The problem this late in life ,is it took decades to get to that point, to finally see the fruits of your effort payoff, be it in your own business or investments., etc. When your spouse is a 50/50 pardner in that business ( most are after so many years ) thats when it gets messy.
Actually I had a good friend who always seemed to have an obsession for getting married. After three failed marriages , contrary to my pleading , he up and did it again ! Yes , that lasted 2-3 years too. However in all his dealings, business , money , He kept all that separate always. He warned me that I was taking a huge risk by involving the wife in everything I did.( we were all good friends for many years, both sides ). I seem to have had that flaw, as I went thru three marriages too and never learned it seemed except this last one has lasted 35 years who knew we would grow apart ? especially when we do everything together.business and pleasure .My question now , is can I remain business pardners in the corporation with her and be divorced ?I would like to think so, especially when I am retired and she now singly runs the business.....boy , this sure sounds like Groundhog day all over again !
Perhaps, my friend ignored obvious clues. Perhaps, he truly was ignorant and insensitive in the way that some women accuse some men of being. However, he had no idea she was this unhappy. He had no idea things had gone this far and she had paid a lawyer to file this case.
.
This could fit the case where the wife does say..."I've been telling you this for years" and the husbands befuddled reply is " All these years I thought you were just nagging"
This could fit the case where the wife does say..."I've been telling you this for years" and the husbands befuddled reply is " All these years I thought you were just nagging"
Sounds like a funny sound bite , or stand up line , but it IS real and the older you get the worse it gets.What is missing ( mostly for many years ) is the ability for both to agree to a weekly sit down discussion , like a Board meeting of the marriage. It should NOT be guided like a ledger book as in business always trying to find a balance however. Whats needed is for the other to listen, understand or try too anyway how the other feels. These is no good or bad in a marriage ( except abusive spouses and ongoing drug problems ) , the is only an understanding of what the other wants and respects, be willing to give a little , and in some extreme cases encourage a limited separation, a trial of a tired mind that just needs to think how they feel down deep. Being apart for a while can actually save a marriage in the long run.
The other part of a relationship often misunderstood is its possible that just what seems the norm , what your friends think , what your Priest would demand you not do , what all the so called marriage " professionals" who you pay big bucks to actually learn or find all the wrong answers are based on what seems the norm, what they read in the books they read in order to pass the final test and get the privilege to hang their diploma on the office wall........ Alternative relationships sometimes work and can often lead to a better understanding of how the other pardner thinks. There are many, examples are open marriage , mistresses and "boyfriends" , swinging clubs , kinky sex , role playing , and last but not lest , no sex at all in your marriage.. Some people find sex disgusting or unwanted as they grow older. If the other partner feels the opposite, then having an open marriage can work. I read a book once that described the five kinds of love and how two people can adjust to living a reasonably happy live as long as there is an understanding and an acceptance of how each other feels down deep.
I watch this this happen more and more often these days. Most of the time, it does people a lot of good. It's like a rebirth and they discover life once again.
For some people, planning for a divorce, even a few months in advance, is impossible because the spouse just takes off like a bolt out of the blue and it hits like a ton of bricks. The spouse who takes off may have been thinking about it, but if that thinking was not shared, it can be life's greatest shock and surprise.
This happened to a relative. The spouse who up and left planned it for a year.
Saved money took all the assets she could. Then returned daily to remove anything else she
Wanted from the house.
She kept saying she would return after getting her head together, HAH!
This was a 35 year marriage.
I've never been divorced, of course. However, I've observed a lot of people in the throes of a divorce over the years.
Very often, when there is a divorce, one spouse can be in a state of shock. They generally knew there was conflict in their marriage, but had not anticipated their ex would "call it quits". What was going on is that you have to imagine a sort of spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, are people who are happily married. The other end of the spectrum represents divorce and separation. The problem is that two married people can be at very different places on this spectrum.
I have a good friend in the medical field who was at his office one day. In the door, one morning, comes a process server who (to my friend's utter amazement) proceeds to serve with him with a divorce complaint filed by his wife. My friend had had breakfast with his wife that morning and not suspected anything was wrong. Of course, his wife had said nothing that morning to him at all.
Perhaps, my friend ignored obvious clues. Perhaps, he truly was ignorant and insensitive in the way that some women accuse some men of being. However, he had no idea she was this unhappy. He had no idea things had gone this far and she had paid a lawyer to file this case.
There was some gratuitous cruelty in her actions as well. She could have told him what her intentions were and simply asked him to sign a form indicating he had received a copy of the Complaint. There was no need to humiliate him by sending a process server to his office in this situation.
At age 57, he is dealing with the "fallout" from this divorce. This included an awful fight over the property they owned. I have seen my friend's correspondence with her lawyer and her. He has remained quite civil, despite the way she has acted. On the other hand, I've seen correspondence from her where she uses four letter words to describe him and his actions.
I think today he wonders how she could have concealed all this behavior for over 30 years that they were married. Sometimes people are not whom we think they are.
Denial is a powerful thing too. One never knows, the signs might have been there all along, but when neither spouse is willing or able to face what's wrong, or communicate effectively with the other, it's easy to become distracted or bury it all under the weight of everyday life.
Until the day, of course, when all the anger, frustration, boredom or whatever it has been eating away at the relationship comes to a head......
When I lived in Atlanta suburbs I had a close friend who was married for over 30 years to a Delta Captain. He made big bucks plus he brought in some money from Air Force Reserves. They had only 1 child who was about 25 at the time of the divorce.
This guy was extremely cheap and tight fisted. (Most Delta pilots are known to be really cheap.) They lived in a very modest home-especially compared to the Macmansions other Delta Captains were living in. In fact it had been his bachelor home and I don't think her name was ever put on the deed. He always told her he was saving so their retirement would be stressfree and comfortable. She never had a paying job in their entire marriage but she did a lot of volunteer work-especially at their son's private school.
One day he came forward and told her he had been miserable for some time and wanted a divorce and NO there was nobody else involved and he had a secret gambling problem and all their retirement funds were gone. She literally had her breath knocked out . They both hired lawyers and she tried to find what she knew he had hidden in marital assets to no avail. She didn't have a pot to ...in. He asked her not to discuss the divorce or their dire financial situation with their son who was struggling in college at the time."It would upset him too much".
She was so upset and in shocked that she claimed he had abused her their entire marriage. This may or may not have been true but she made a huge mistake when she asked her best friend to lie and say she had seen her with bruises and heard abuse stories often. The friend testified against the wife and for the husband.
The son was so devastated by not only the divorce but the lies about abuse that he too was against his mother. My friend walked away with a few suitcases of clothes and little more. She had to move in with her sister out of state.
In the meantime the husband pulled his son aside and said "I have been putting a lot of money in your name and in trust. Let's go see the attorney to find out the best way to "settle" this now that your mother and I are divorced." AHHH HAAA..the missing assets!
The son realized what a snake his father was and that he never had a gambling problem and hadn't lost the retirement money but had been hiding it for years because he had been planning this divorce for at lease EIGHT years prior to ever asking for it. He realized that his father had abused his mother--emotionally and financially. And when his father confided in him that he had been having an affair with his cousin's ex wife for TEN years and they had gotten married only days after the final divorce decree, the son saw his father for who he really was. The father made an appointment for him and the son to go talk to the attorney so that all the assets could be put back in the father's name.
What the father didn't know is that the son called his mother to tell her what a fool he had been, what he now knew about his father and how he had indeed hidden marital assets by putting them in the son's name. He begged for his mother's forgiveness for turning against her.
The mother and son hired their own attorney and all three showed up at the appointment the father set up with his own attorney to get his money back in his name. The son told his father off and that legally everything in his name was his and he was putting his mother's name on everything so that now it was hers as well. The father and his attorney fell out of their chairs, the mother and son had the last laugh and eventually the new wife left him cause all of a sudden he wasn't as "attractive" as he once appeared. It was a big mess and I bet people in that community are still gossiping about it today.
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