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Old 10-13-2015, 01:42 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost Roses View Post
She's coming back?? Do tell. I think we need a thread just for this, Curmudgeon.
Yes. I'm flying back in a few months - she has an apartment lease - and picking up her and our Honda Accord and driving her back to the Ozarks. Amazingly enough she misses me. The furniture she bought and a number of other things she'll leave for her daughter who's been living with her. Craziness but to me, not surprising. At the time it was good to have her leave. Now it will be good to have her back. Cats aren't great conversationalists, dontcha know.
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Old 12-06-2015, 10:17 PM
 
135 posts, read 225,159 times
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This is a fascinating thread that I've been reading all morning.

My situation is or maybe it isn't unique... 32 years married, 4 adult children. Marriage has been on the ropes (for me) for about 10 years. The last 5 have been pretty brutal. That is not to say when we were younger we weren't head over heels crazy about each other and there are many, many happy memories. They just don't happen anymore. I didn't adjust to the empty nest very well - I was one of the crazies who loved having teenagers around We moved cross country right when the youngest left home for college so too many changes at once occurred I think. Hubby is a good person but his happiest place is tuning me out and tuning into the telly 4 hours at night and sometimes 14 hours a day on the weekend. It feels ridiculous to say I want to leave someone because they watch too much TV but that is a symptom of a bigger problem. He seems to be content with the mediocre - if I just leave him be and don't fuss too much, life is good for him. I am going through that panic attack feeling of "I can't bear to spend the next 25 years feeling like this". My problem is, we are now overseas. I left everything familiar, kids, elderly parents and the best job I ever had to support him in landing his "dream job". I hoped this might revitalize things. Instead, he loves work, but comes home as a completely unmotivated lump on the couch and now I am really isolated.

This week I gussied up my resume and started applying for jobs in my home state. It felt so good. I don't know if anything is going to pan out - I used my son's address in the city where I'm debating moving back to after Christmas. I don't know if that's totally stupid and impulsive or a matter of mental-emotional survival. I'm kind of scared about lining up an apartment, finding a car (he ALWAYS does all the car stuff) and setting up my own household. Definitely without a TV. Mostly I'm scared about how it will devastate my children. I don't want to be adversarial. I hope that's possible.
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Old 12-07-2015, 12:15 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,596 posts, read 4,674,480 times
Reputation: 27796
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishmom View Post
I'm kind of scared about lining up an apartment, finding a car (he ALWAYS does all the car stuff) and setting up my own household. Definitely without a TV. Mostly I'm scared about how it will devastate my children. I don't want to be adversarial. I hope that's possible.
I was raised by a television addict who used the tube to tune out other people, so I do get it about feeling isolated. Are you like Shirley Valentine? Do you find yourself talking to the wall?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shirle...ine_%28film%29

I don't understand a person who would stay glued to the telly even as his spouse left in search of a richer, more rewarding life. The TV won't be able to help him through the rough times and health challenges that are coming. Doesn't he get that?
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Old 12-07-2015, 07:29 PM
 
1,734 posts, read 1,948,134 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishmom View Post
This is a fascinating thread that I've been reading all morning.

My situation is or maybe it isn't unique... 32 years married, 4 adult children. Marriage has been on the ropes (for me) for about 10 years. The last 5 have been pretty brutal. That is not to say when we were younger we weren't head over heels crazy about each other and there are many, many happy memories. They just don't happen anymore. I didn't adjust to the empty nest very well - I was one of the crazies who loved having teenagers around We moved cross country right when the youngest left home for college so too many changes at once occurred I think. Hubby is a good person but his happiest place is tuning me out and tuning into the telly 4 hours at night and sometimes 14 hours a day on the weekend. It feels ridiculous to say I want to leave someone because they watch too much TV but that is a symptom of a bigger problem. He seems to be content with the mediocre - if I just leave him be and don't fuss too much, life is good for him. I am going through that panic attack feeling of "I can't bear to spend the next 25 years feeling like this". My problem is, we are now overseas. I left everything familiar, kids, elderly parents and the best job I ever had to support him in landing his "dream job". I hoped this might revitalize things. Instead, he loves work, but comes home as a completely unmotivated lump on the couch and now I am really isolated.

This week I gussied up my resume and started applying for jobs in my home state. It felt so good. I don't know if anything is going to pan out - I used my son's address in the city where I'm debating moving back to after Christmas. I don't know if that's totally stupid and impulsive or a matter of mental-emotional survival. I'm kind of scared about lining up an apartment, finding a car (he ALWAYS does all the car stuff) and setting up my own household. Definitely without a TV. Mostly I'm scared about how it will devastate my children. I don't want to be adversarial. I hope that's possible.

IMHO - and it's water way under the bridge - you might have considered just letting him go in the first place. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to live together all the time. He'd have retired eventually and come back to watch TV with YOU.


I am putting words in your mouth, I know. However, what I sense is a fear of change, rather than something positive keeping you together.


FWIW, quite a few of our fellow correspondents have pulled the plug in middle age or later (thoughtfully and deliberately, I'm sure).


The sequence of events is uniform for all people who go to a new place. Nothing new or scary about it, it is a well documented set of challenges. Rent a car for awhile (or buy it outright if you can get a beater for less than the cost of rental). The rental car places always have 3 year old models on sale. Theory behind securing transportation first: you can live in a car. You can't drive a condo. Thassa joke, son (channeling Foghorn Leghorn).


Get an extended stay somewhere (I couch surfed with previous colleagues till I landed a job - took me nine weeks - saved some cash there). Find place to live, before you start your job.


Get a tribe (this is essential - most people find effective tribes in the social institutions that are available to middle-aged people - churches, town committees, philanthropic groups). If you're still working, having a church family is the best option hands-down. You don't make friends via soccer matches and PTA anymore.


While in extended stay, find a place to live. Once you know where you'll be - at least for a year - look around for the essentials, while prioritizing the specifics.


For example: in my move to DC Metro, I knew I needed something to sleep on, something to eat and read in, and something to write on. Ergo, camping mattress (immediate!). Camping chairs. Card table. Lamps. You can get those from Wal-Mart in an afternoon. Very liberating. You don't need a moving crew.


Then sofa. Sitting chair and work/eating chair. Table. Lamps (several). If you don't have time, you have to be ruthless about what you really need.


If you're that deracinated from being alone now, those items will suffice for quite awhile until you get to the next tier. Plus, they provide successive confirmations about your capability (you'd be amazed how energizing it is to no longer be a [virtual prisoner/slug/insert however you're feeling]). They are dirt cheap. And they leave you light to make the next move, if need be.


Dressers. Real bed (I used futon mattresses for quite awhile, till I was pretty sure I'd maintain economic continuity in the town - as it turns out, a foolish concern). Nightstands. More lamps.


Look, you're [insert what you are that makes leaving a viable proposition] now. You think it could get worse? No. After the relocation shock (significantly attenuated if you are working/phasing into retirement - knowing what you need to do every day is a great stabilizer) it only gets better as "you" emerge. In my particular case (lol!), the "new me" is something my ex devoutly wishes had remained forever under a barrel. I, however, luxuriate in having all this personal space and calmness.


All of these steps can be estimated, cost-wise. Make sure you have enough in your checking account for nine weeks in an extended stay, transportation, first month, last month, security, and basic furniture. Escalate total by 50% for safety margin. Say "sayonara" and "I'll be back in nine weeks if my new job don't work out". Leave.


To actually answer your question: No. It's not stupid or impulsive. Don't be a wimp with your life. Life is not a dress rehearsal. (I heard that somewhere, forget where).
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Old 12-07-2015, 07:48 PM
 
1,734 posts, read 1,948,134 times
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OH - I forgot this. Your huzzie withdrew from the marriage a long time ago. Don't think his TV escapism has nothing to do with you. By leaving, you are giving him exactly what he wants: there will be no adversity as a consequence of your move. He will likely be relieved. You will be relieved for sure.


At worst - if you are going to New Jersey - a divorce will take four years. It is to be hoped that your huzzie is not a raging narcissist who will react with vindictiveness, thereby increasing costs and duration. If he is not a raging narcissist, and is also exhausted (with TV his only refuge), you can likely get a divorce uncontested. While in NJ the duration will be as long, at least it will be uncomplicated and less expensive.


The Tri-State area has an extraordinary number of underemployed lawyers. The more complicated they can make something, the greater the number of billing hours.
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Old 12-13-2015, 09:58 PM
 
135 posts, read 225,159 times
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Jane Smith, thank you.

Printing and putting in my "What to expect when your splitting" notebook. I appreciate your frankness and taking the emotional factor out of it. I'm going to the west coast so NJ is not an issue. I'm a great thrift shopper/yard saler so putting together cheap furniture isn't the issue for me -- car stuff and setting up printers and routers scare me more than furniture or air mattresses. But it's sink or swim so I'd rather swim.
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Old 12-14-2015, 08:22 AM
 
3,090 posts, read 1,717,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishmom View Post
Jane Smith, thank you.

Printing and putting in my "What to expect when your splitting" notebook. I appreciate your frankness and taking the emotional factor out of it. I'm going to the west coast so NJ is not an issue. I'm a great thrift shopper/yard saler so putting together cheap furniture isn't the issue for me -- car stuff and setting up printers and routers scare me more than furniture or air mattresses. But it's sink or swim so I'd rather swim.
Printers and routers - read the manual carefully and take your time step by step. Often your service provider will help you with router if you rent. If not that too is possibly if you stay positive and take your time to do it. Also you can check with sites such as these where techies hang around. Ask for simple directions in plain language. Describe your problem precisely.
I set up our pic and peripherals, electronics and I am no expert. Things are getting simpler as well.
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:33 AM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,129,272 times
Reputation: 10910
Update.

At this point, I am now in a place where something dramatically positive would need to happen in order to stop the train from leaving the station.

The behaviors are worsening. No doubt, menopause is starting to exert itself, turning an already volatile situation into a nuclear crisis.

No doubt many read this and think ... been there ... done that ... wrote the book.

At least I know I'm not alone.
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Old 12-14-2015, 12:32 PM
 
3,090 posts, read 1,717,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaHillbilly View Post
Our prognosis is not good.

Well at least we have a modest financial buffer to help lessen the blow.

In retrospect our issues are quite unlike a number of things mentioned up thread. There are no drugs, no alcoholism, no irresponsible spending, no debt, no adultery or other interests waiting in the wings, etc.

Our issue is, in spite of being two well educated, worldly, broad minded, etc, etc individuals, at the end of the day, we both have things about the brain wiring we were born with that innately puts us at odds in things that would seem trivial to outsiders. But the problem is, the quirks that issue forth due to my wiring come across as grating, spasmodic, freakish abnormalities from her perspective. And meanwhile, the quirks due to her wiring come across as uptight, neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, hyper rigid, ultra reactionary outbursts of psychological violence, from my perspective.

We both are facing the facts of just how toxic it all is.

Since this is nature not nurture, while a degree of mitigation could be had via therapy and so called "behavior modification," neither one of us have any realistic hope of through-going change. Brains this old cannot be rewired (and even infant brains can only be partially rewired or more factually, over-wired with new wiring to compensate for innate wiring). There is only so much either of us can do about these challenges.
these "quirks" of yours that grate on her and create reactionary outbursts = i think you have done the important first step as to what it is you do that causes disruption in your lives. don't use a passive voice, and see how it sounds when you put an "I" in your sentence and spell out what you do. it is not just about perspectives, hers, it is what you DO.
and you are also saying you see her as uptight, neurotic etc. labeling rarely helps anything. it only aggravates it.

it is not about rewiring anything. it is about behavior and attitude. you can only control your actions. and if you do then her reaction may also be different.
It would be a shame if two intelligent people cannot be nice to each other and throw away a long relationship without trying. it will make a you a nicer person to be with which might make her a nicer person as well.
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Old 12-14-2015, 12:57 PM
 
5,392 posts, read 6,529,269 times
Reputation: 10465
Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaHillbilly View Post
Update.

At this point, I am now in a place where something dramatically positive would need to happen in order to stop the train from leaving the station.

The behaviors are worsening. No doubt, menopause is starting to exert itself, turning an already volatile situation into a nuclear crisis.

No doubt many read this and think ... been there ... done that ... wrote the book.

At least I know I'm not alone.
I kind of get what you are saying.

My husband and I should never have married and 24 years of working it out didn't - divorce at age 55. It was a constant struggle and I felt such a relief to be free and independent when we divorced. It is really a truly sad thing when your grown children say they wish you had gotten divorced early on, it would have been better for everyone.

So good intentions and decent people don't always lead to a good marriage no matter how much you try. I do not regret the divorce and can't regret that we married since that produced two wonderful children.

So best to you and hope for your best.
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