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See, contradictions. Kinda damned if I do, damned if I don’t. But between “damned as an offensive, possibly creepy, stand-offish guy afraid of da wimminz” and “damned as a sexual assault perpetrator” I choose the former.
Here’s another rumination...what if my chance at getting experience comes as a result of liquid courage on her part?
Probably a shot in the dark, but this is the kind of stuff that I (over)think about.
You'll get past it.
Believe me, I used to do a lot of ruminating in my life. It's a phase.
I myself have dealt with false accusations (but nothing sexual), I know the headaches that any type of false accusations can cause. And the messed up thing about the false accusations I went through is that the false accuser is automatically believed even with evidence on the contrary. However, there is also the other issue I went through when everyone believed me but they (the ones that believed me) still penalized me because the person accused me. WTF???
Because it doesn’t matter who’s right, it matters who’s first to press with the story.
If you’re old enough to remember the 90’s, I’ve got a thought experiment for you. What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you read this name: Richard Jewell. My guess is, if you recognize it at all, your first gut reaction was as a type of criminal. He was accused, and later exonerated, but the media went nuts and basically ruined his life. It didn’t matter to him what the true story was, it mattered what the first story was. Ever after he was also known as “Hey, isn’t that the guy who bombed the Atlanta Olympics? Oh wait, he didn’t really do that, did he?” He dealt with bias for the rest of his life, even though people knew he was innocent, because their first, gut reaction to him was based on the first stories they heard of him: that he orchestrated the bombing to indulge a hero complex.
There's a difference between being attracted to a wide range of women and just being outright desperate to jump everything that moves. That kind of desperation is a turn off to many.
I don't see women being turned off by someone who finds a wide range of women attractive. If anything, that could be seen as having an "open mind".
I'm attracted to a wide range of women. I find somewhat thin women attractive to somewhat "thick" women attractive. I find women of a wide range of heights attractive, but I tend to gravitate towards the taller women (close to my height).
I like women who are younger and older than me, but I err towards the older side. I'd only go about 5 years younger. For older, I'd go a little further down the line.
For me, I like a woman that is close to my age, ideally.
A guy that desperately attempts to hump anything and everything he sees is not going to be a turn on to many women. For one thing, it communicates a lack of control and perhaps an issue with priorities.
Yes! That has been the case for me more than once. I’ll accuse: “I bet you you say that to alllll the “girls”...
And when I find out I’m right = zero attraction. Even if it could have been genuine, I More than once have found myself in the position of telling someone I don’t want to be a ‘groupie’. It is not their job to make every woman feel beautiful— at least not in my presence. I don’t care how that makes me look, if I don’t like it I don’t have to deal with that, and I don’t.
I may have Even be triggered by that situation of numbers game you posted, because I have felt like it has ruined some great possibilities, their inability to “narrow the field”, if you will.
Maybe. And maybe I would spend hundreds of hours in the gym for nothing (since that would be my only reason for working out that hard), because as people keep saying, lots of women aren’t as attracted to appearance as they are to personality, and getting ripped isn’t going to change my personality. I have eyes, I look around, I can see guys who don’t have as much going for them in the looks department having success with women...they’ve clearly got something going for them that I don’t, and I’m guessing for a good chunk of them it’s an engaging, charismatic personality. Getting ripped isn’t going to grow me one of those.
And even if it worked, again...would I really want to be with a woman who was interested in me because I’ve worked hard at things I didn’t really want to do or achieve? If she likes me because I’m suddenly a muscle man, but I don’t like spending the kind of time and effort it takes to maintain that physique...I’d be setting myself up for failure.
So no. If my personality shifts and I just really love going to the gym for hours and hours every week, sure, my opinion might change. But for now, I’m not going to be working out just so women will notice me more, especially when that’s not even a forgone conclusion based on my unattractiveness in other, non-physical regards.
Yeah, different women are going to be attracted to different things. With attraction in general, there are different levels. There is the primary attraction, then there are the other attractions. For instance, there are women that are attracted to looks primarily with personality kinda taking a backseat to that. Most women I've talked to tend to be more attracted to me when I am a little more 'preoccupied' (with goals and certain productive pursuits) than when I am 'idle'.
Personality is going to play a major part in attraction. A lot of us mistake personality for "being nice". We tend to play up that niceness to the point that women either do not develop romantic interest or any romantic interest is nullified. In other words, because we rely on our niceness, women rather play patty cake with us. Women tend to go for a "strong" personality. Someone who is bold and deliberate. Someone who takes charge (not in an overly dominant way). Someone who at least has an idea of what he wants and goes for it.
It also helps to be 'solid' in your body language when talking to a woman. I say boldness is something that tends to be successful more than niceness.
I believe the best chance at success comes from knowing who you are and owning it. It also helps to stand out and allow what is unique (as long as it is not harmful) to show.
Because it doesn’t matter who’s right, it matters who’s first to press with the story.
If you’re old enough to remember the 90’s, I’ve got a thought experiment for you. What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you read this name: Richard Jewell. My guess is, if you recognize it at all, your first gut reaction was as a type of criminal. He was accused, and later exonerated, but the media went nuts and basically ruined his life. It didn’t matter to him what the true story was, it mattered what the first story was. Ever after he was also known as “Hey, isn’t that the guy who bombed the Atlanta Olympics? Oh wait, he didn’t really do that, did he?” He dealt with bias for the rest of his life, even though people knew he was innocent, because their first, gut reaction to him was based on the first stories they heard of him: that he orchestrated the bombing to indulge a hero complex.
Key point right there.
And your second paragraph, believe me, I think of that a lot. Even if you are proven innocent, you are very likely to have that mark on your reputation until the day you die.
Even if you are proven innocent, you are very likely to have that mark on your reputation until the day you die.
Or you get away from the people who know about the accusation. The smaller-scale the accusation, the easier that is. I've recently moved for a new job in a new location, hundreds of miles from my last job. And, there is a very marked difference in how people see and treat me in my new position.
At Arms Length, don't apologise for being a respectful person. Not saying that Rbccl dates disrespectful men but I think there's not anything creepy or offensive about your stance.
And I don’t find that to be disrespectful versus respectful, I recognize we have two very different attitudes, needs and wants. I picture you as the type who would find it admirable if a man asked your permission to kiss you, whereas just typing: “May I kiss you?” makes me cringe, and throw the whole atmosphere down the toilet for me.
@At Arms Length- These very different responses to your ruminations aren’t contradictions in a way that should make you even more taken aback. They're examples and proof that you’re not gonna be able to ensure a clear path and green light for yourself, just like no one else gets insurance and directions.
Youre going to have to engage social cues to find out what’s best for each individual situation. The only way this is going to happen is if you get the hell out there and try. If you stay locked into your hypothesizing and introspection you’re not going to eventually gain dating insurance.
Idk about anyone else but I found out that when you stop caring about dating someone, that's usually when you find someone.
I find that too.
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