[Rainbow Island]

"A couple of Arkansas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy now. I can help.
First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line.
He says: “Okay, now what?'"

[sandgirl]

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "A Local Man saves Child By Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child By Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case, "the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

[Bull Winkus]

Can I play? This one always cracks me up!

3 good arguments...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

[Bull Winkus]

3 Guys In Heaven...


Three guys die and go to heaven. Guy #1 goes up to St. Peter, who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven, were you faithful to your wife?"

Guy #1 answers: "Yes, I never even looked at another woman."

St. Peter says: "See that Rolls Royce over there, it's yours to drive while you're in heaven."

Guy #2 gets the same question and answers: "Once I strayed, but I told my wife about it and she forgave me."

St. Peter says: "See that new Buick over there, it's yours to drive while you're here in heaven."

Guy #3 answers the same question: "I'll have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and had sex with most of them."

St. Peter says: "Okay, but you were a very good person in all other respects, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to drive while you're here in heaven."

The three guys then went their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guys #2 and #3 were driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.

Guy #2 asks him: "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you're driving a Rolls Royce, and everything's great."

Guy #1 says: "I saw my wife today."

Guy #3 says: "That's great! So, what's the problem?"

Guy #1 answers: "She was on roller skates!"

[Bull Winkus]

3 Men In A Sauna...


Three men, one German, one Japanese and, of course, a Frenchman, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questionably. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Frenchman felt decidedly low tech. But, not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something to be just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and a little while later returned with a long strip of toilet paper trailing behind his ass.

The German and Japanese man raised their eyebrows and stared at the Frenchman in disbelief.

The Frenchman smiled and said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[Bull Winkus]

Three Dogs Talking...

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for.

The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me to sleep."

All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.

The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. "Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's really great fun -- but the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I have to be put down so that I don't cause any more accidents."

The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story.

"Well, my owner had just had a bath," says the Great Dane. "She was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs. Well, boys, I just couldn't resist it! I climbed aboard and had my way with her."

"So are you here to be put to sleep as well then?" asked the Poodle.

"No" smiled the Great Dane, "I'm getting my nails trimmed."

[Bull Winkus]

An Irish Toast…


John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of my wife!”

This, of course won him top prize for best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, “Mary I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

Joe, somewhat stretching the truth, said “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church besides me wife.”

Oh, that’s very nice, John,” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled, leeringly, and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”

She said, “Aye, and I was a bit surprised me self, you know he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[Suncoast Guy]

This is a funny one!:

How do you pronounce this: Le-a

SCHOOL TEACHERS, BET YOU THOUGHT


YOU HAD HEARD AND SEEN IT ALL!





OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name?


Le-a (written just like that)





Leah?? NO


Lee - A?? NOPE


Lay - a?? NO


Lei?? Guess Again


It's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes, you read it right.




This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce it correctly.





When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, 'The dash don't be silent.'

[RogMar]

Originally Posted by Bull Winkus

Three Dogs Talking...

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's:

Bull....that you?

I called off the search party..

Puff smoke Bull, we'll find you..

Big stories on K8 about the lack of ways to dispose of limbs over in HSB.

At least ya got plenty of firewood, hoss.

[keenbeengreen]

Originally Posted by Rainbow Island

A man died and went to heaven. As
he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw
a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are
all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered,
'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie
the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man,
'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother
Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a
lie.'

'Incredible,' said
the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded,
'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life.'

'Where's President
Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in
Jesus' office.

He's using it as a
ceiling fan.

xxxxxellent