Men and Women retiring alone to a new city/state -- where will you go and why? (Austin, weather)

[Francella]

I have been reading through posts here today and see a number of references to Santa Cruz, CA. I know the area having rented vacation houses a couple of times, and my son is in San Jose.

I have been searching the internet for apartment/condos/houses for year-round occupancy in Santa Cruz (as well as where I live now in Reston, VA). Do any of you experienced Santa Cruz women have any information on good places on the internet to search for a wide variety of rentals. I'd really appreciate any information.
Thanks
Francella

[Francella]

Newenglandgirl:

Thanks for your advice; I keep going back and forth whether to "go now" or "wait"; still Lenora wrote and advised I look into the kind of state Virginia is versus California and how the divorce laws work; for now, until I have time to investigate it seems that Virginia may be better for me. But, I am looking forward to getting to California and being near my son and grandchildren.

[Tesaje]

Now, I have to try to forgive myself for my fears, inactions and idiocy, and that's harder than breaking up...facing yourself, your negative contributions, as well as the positive things age and experience have given you.

Just accept it as the necessary pain to an opportunity to grow. You will get thru this. Remember that the only thing you can control is yourself and your own decisions. And the only thing you are responsible for is yourself and your own behavior. You can't fix someone else, you can only fix yourself. Sounds lie it is time to to let him go and live his own life. It will get better especially when you are really out on your own. Hang in there. (Yes, I've been there and done that.)

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by Francella

T...
I am having a very non-Christmas this year...no plans, no trips........in a way it's a relief not to have to pretend a joy I'm not feeling...and it was fun to shop and mail off the packages to my grandchildren.

But, I must be depressed since I don't want to do much, like holiday cooking, Christmas cards (they'll be email cards this year), clean out my closets and bureaus, empty out unneeded paperwork, sort through the many CD's and all, to be taking steps to move on; instead I escape into the internet or reading books. ...

No reason to feel guilty, this is a 'season' in your life and it has need for distinguishing features (we certainly know the pain is real, You don't have to 'fake-it'! ) There is nothing 'Normal' about your Christmas 2009. (But we care for you and appreciate you ).
Take a few 'ME' moments, don't avoid keeping up on your other relationships, enjoy tea / cocoa and light lunches with friends, keep the discussion on them and how special they are to you. Encourage THEM, and you will feel better about YOU.

Sometimes I look forward to the coming change; to be away from his abusive words and the hurts; other times I get a bit fearful, but when I compare it to how's it's been with my husband, I realize how much better off I'll be mentally and emotionally. .... I am fearful my spouse has ballooned his hopes up unrealistically regarding a close relationship with his son, and is going to find himself heartbroken, once again.

Just figure out what is good for you, and set some 'boundaries' where you just 'turn-his-voice-off' your radar and not let it continue to dig at you. You are both using your 'learned' coping skills which are not gonna help much, avoid confrontation and figure out how to 'escape' often. Just refuse to be eroded or intimidated. It is HIS response, not yours. He is likely setting himself up for disappointment with his son. This maybe his one great hope, too bad. He would do well to consider counseling rather than 'crash and burn'.

To me it's healthier to sort it all out, and I'm angry that we won't be doing this together. ..., being tired and worn down from those confrontations. I think a great deal of our anger and the loss of love comes from not having resolutions to differences so our relationship could have grown. ...

Give it (& him) some space. Sorting out may be right for you, but he may not be capable (and likely not willing). There are ways for you to sort it out AND heal, without FORCING him to comply to your style. While it may be best for him, it is not gonna sound that way coming from you (He is probably trying to justify why / how not to be hurt by you and be left feeling like a failure as a man and husband / father)

Everything seemed so solid and real when we married. ...

But, it's also true that my husband has changed, as have I. Age and experience does that. He's not who I married, and ,,, , I miss that person so much.

You are not alone

Now, I have to try to forgive myself for my fears, inactions and idiocy, and that's harder than breaking up...facing yourself, your negative contributions, ..

get some help here. EZ to say 'Get-over-it', but better to deal with understanding how negative self talk is a HUGE burden, AND is based on an inner self that is weaker than the outer-self (who took action). Don't let that inner self 'bad-talk' you. Make a list of positives about you and add to it daily, then respond to negative self talk with verbal TRUTH about you. Ask your friends and kids to help you draft a list of positives., (if you're brave have DH make one too!!! (that would be good for him, you can do likewise for him, he will be able to have something to treasure and may feel more secure about himself) You don't sound spiteful to him and that is GOOD.

Sometimes I wonder if children are trained to take abuse, accept fault as adults, if they've had (which, I did), a physical and emotionally abusive childhood? ...

Be grateful that kids are far more resilient than we. Don't bring your dirty laundry to them (they have plenty).. Love them as you always wanted to, be sincere, the right time will come to apologize, don't push it; enjoy the kids.

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by Francella

Newenglandgirl:

Thanks for your advice; I keep going back and forth whether to "go now" or "wait"; still Lenora wrote and advised I look into the kind of state Virginia is versus California and how the divorce laws work; for now, until I have time to investigate it seems that Virginia may be better for me. But, I am looking forward to getting to California and being near my son and grandchildren.

Personally, if I were in your shoes I would keep myself focused night and day on downsizing to the most minimal possessions. This can take weeks or months and will help the time pass till your house sells. Nothing heavier than what you can pick up easily with both hands (no heavy furniture, and get rid of dishes, absolutely everything you would not need if you lived in one room. This is what I have been doing and believe me it is the hardest work I have ever done (also have physical problems that make all this a challenge, so if you're healthy and agile it won't be so hard for you). Get plastic boxes for all your hanging files, get every last scrap of paper in place as if you were moving tomorrow. Put anything you can in storage or give it away. You won't miss it and it's wonderful therapy to get rid of the past, focusing only on the present and your current needs. Any object will be replaceable in your new home, and at our age how many old photos and mementoes are we going to be looking at again anyway? Staples and other office supply stores hav the kinds of storage containers you will need. Have your ex take a space for him to put all his own stuff in. As you show the house, you want it stripped clean of all personal stuff (all that stuff on refrigerators and counters, and family photos and knicknacks---out!) so potential buyers can imagine themselves there. A vase of something in every room, and just a few pieces of furniture--that's it. This will occupy your mind and get you focused on your new life. Don't think just act, every day another pile of something to the Goodwil (we only need 1/3 of the amount of clothes we have, and if you're going West you need even less!), another trip to get something you need to organize yourself. This is very hard, demanding work b/c as we pare down to absolute essentials we';re also dealing with ego issues, and letting go letting go letting go. Best wishes YOU CAN DO IT.

[nancy thereader]

I am always amazed at the wonderful wisdom & the genuine kindness of the women on this thread.
You are all terrific.

[artangel]

Ladies,
I discovered this thread about 7 p.m. last night. As I started to read, I felt so much emotion---there was someone inside jumping up and down and shouting "they understand!!! I have to join them!" I finally called it quits at almost 4 am this morning and haven't had a chance to start again until now. I must confess I started skipping posts as I got tired, but do intend to read every word. You're a wonderful group of strong, never-say-die women and you give me hope. Thank you so much for that!
I am 58-soon-to-be-59, and was stunned when my husband of 33 yrs asked for a divorce 3 days after moving into our new, not quite finished house that I had been able to have the joy of designing. I remember dancing around the rooms in exuberance, declaring how wonderful everything was, asking him to wait just a minute when he called for me to come into another room to talk. A year-long affair with his secretary, someone I considered a friend, prompted him to ask for the divorce. It would have been easier to accept, in some ways, if she were young and lovely. But she isn't. She's the same age, dumpy, and very plain.(she is very intelligent, gifted in writing----but then, so am I!). No one could understand it, and most people who knew us still can't, myself included. I loved him very much and had been with him since age 15---37 yrs. at that time. Who was this man? And what had he done with the wonderful guy I had married? I still don't have a satisfactory answer (probably never will) and that was almost 7 yrs. ago. Was it all an illusion? I thought we were happy. We had our share of ups and downs, but that's pretty normal. We had gone to counseling before, but were active in our church, active in Marriage encounter for 20 years. How can you meet once a month for 20 years to discuss marriage and our feelings and not realize such discontent?!!!! I am still grappling with those questions. I have had a hard time not blaming myself. Why didn't I realize he was so unhappy? Of course he did hide it well. And I guess never really shared enough of his feelings toward the last few years. I would have done almost anything at all to keep our marriage together. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it? It was, and I am. For so many reasons.
I have a lot I'd like to share with you, much of which is similar to what many of you have experienced. But will stop here for now, as my dog wants out, and this is getting too long! Thanks for being there.
Moderator cut: name deleted as per request of poster

[artangel]

More musing.......When I think about it carefully, I think we married for all the wrong reasons. Or at least I did. We were very young. Both of us just 19. After having experienced having a birth father that didn't want me, I lived with a step father who didn't understand me, resented me, and therefore freely abused me in every possible way.I was eager to escape that home life, and there was this marvelously kind, stable, respectable, strong young man willing to love me. My son says it was a case of a quiet, shy geek being dazzled by a beautiful and vivacious girl who overwhelmed him. Maybe that's true.... But I think I was looking for a father as much as for a husband. That doesn't mean I never loved him, for I did. And I threw myself whole-heartedly into being "the perfect wife" and later on, "the perfect mother". Not the sanest approach to married life! And I know I was hard to live with, fighting major depressive disorder my entire adult life. But I was also generous, and fun, and bright, and pretty, and giving, and loving. You can get the picture, I think. And a person wrapped up in feelings, both because of my illness, and because I'm an artist in various mediums. (don't want to sound conceited here---but even if not an artist of great talent, I was and am an artist of great soul). Picture a volatile person like that combined with a sensitive, caring but reserved, tightly buttoned up man afraid to show feelings. What a dynamic duo we were.............NOT! Yet again, I protest, we did love each other. Or I think we did. I know I did. Him---? Well now I'm not so sure. When did my mannerisms become annoying rather than charming? When did his frosty reserve replace his sturdy, quiet dependability? When did I begin to realize he didn't respect me any longer, and vice-versa?
Easy to look back and analyse, but not so easy to realize while living the journey.

So here I am. Almost 59, living on my own for the first time in my life. The night he left me was the first night I'd ever spent totally alone. I've worked hard to reach this point. Yet lately I've had a series of set-backs that threaten to totally erase what i think I've acomplished. I've become a woman who apologizes for being alive. Again. When we moved here 30 some years ago, I was in my young 20's and although eager, still unsure I was worth a hill of beans. i was horrified a few weeks ago to hear myself echoing things I remember saying from so long ago---"I'm sorry" was creeping into every conversation I was having--sometimes more than once. I even started apologizing to my dog!!!
It's going to get better again. I'm going to do better again. But finding a good direction to point my life in hasn't become completely clear yet. I'm still working on that.
And I appreciate the help you freely offer here. Thank you.

[mzfroggez]

Francella who just posted last night
wow - t'is the season .................. in so many ways..... seasons of life/seasons of the year.
I am totally tied up today but am skimming responses to the posts from both of you and as Nancy said, there is so much wisdom here - so much kindness - so much strength. Sisters helping sisters where needed - a "virtual" family. I have a lot I would like to say but I want to do what Stealth does/doing the breaking it down to a particular quote and I think i just figured out how to do that so when I get my endless chores of the day complete, I shall sit with a cup of coffee and pen a few thoughts. I simply wanted to say this morning that as you can see from the comments, so many of us have walked in your shoes - every circumstance is different and everyone of us is different in how we handle things, but there is that thread of understanding, of understanding the complexity and the questions and saying "hey, just breathe...." - the absolutely most painful, most uncomfortable times of life produce the most incredible growth. Maybe it is similar to being the baby in utero who must be terrified when the contractions grow stronger and push him or her out of the only safety they have known - we are all being "birthed" ; we'll all emerge a bit bloodied, naked and cold/likely screaming and not at all accustomed to the bright lights we encounter nor the hustle and bustle we are thrust into, but we will be swaddled when that is what we need and then in what will sometimes seem a short time, sometimes longer, we will develop into who we are in this new beginning and for the second time in our lives, we will discover the world with wonder-full eyes.

[Wisteria]

Wow, what intense threads. The "happy holidays" sure do bring out some unhappy feelings! Even I have residual feelings from when I was younger -- three much younger sisters who were close in age to each other, thus, they became actual friends -- and me, the surrogate mother, who was so much older that it's like we're not in the same family. So, each year I am saddened that I am not close to my sisters in the same way that they are to each other.... I do have my daughter, though, and she is a great blessing to me! But even she is now out of the house and on her own. I just think that the holidays, because they've been magnified by the media so much, make us sometimes feel insignificant, even though we realize inside that these are just a few days of the year, and their impact should not be so strong.

I feel for Francella. I divorced long ago, so at least I do not have to go through the horrible holidays with recent memories of an intact marriage. I do try to keep the holidays low-key, purposely. I've created it into a more leisurely time, not so over-the-top in gifts, and have a few friends over for a Christmas meal.

For both of you, I know you will get through it, but let the tears flow. It's rough to have your life of decades torn away so quickly.

Hang in there women! Life is a series of ups and downs, that's for sure. I always keep the image of a heart monitor in my mind as a metaphor for life -- if it's not going up and down, then you're dead!

I'm glad you found this thread. Women who are strong, yet vulnerable, are the best women around! We understand more than you think. I am sure we all have things we have not revealed because we are not together in person -- so please know that we all share hardships and joy, confusion and pain, laughter and cheer. Life is very interesting and complex -- especially if we can stand back and view it from afar -- which isn't so easy to do!

At this time of year, I do hope the wonderful women of this thread have a good holiday -- painless as can be, with some laughter and appreciation tossed in, and a knowledge that with a cyber shoulder to lean on, we can make it!

Hang in there, gals! Life is but a train that we get on and off of -- sometimes we miss our stop, other times we get off at the wrong stop -- but we keep on truckin'!

Thanks everyone -- this has been a most supportive group of women I've ever known!! Why can't we all just live in one big Victorian someplace??

Your gal pal,
Wisteria